Shadowhunters-Hearts Entwined/one shot Jace×Clary

One shot: Heavy hearts

Clary
I quickly managed to wipe the tears, which I had not noticed coming out while the faerie queen spoke, before Jace reached . I turned around but couldn't quite meet his eyes so focused on his shoulders instead. Jace frowned and said, "the queen left already? She seemed unnaturally eager to give the message to me instead of Maryse." I somehow managed to speak, but my voice came out lower than expected, "Yes, seems like it." Jace turned his golden smoldering gaze speculatively on me,"have you been crying?" I quickly lied, sooner than necessary, "What? No, not at all. Maybe its the air, some dust might have gone inside." Jace snorted, "Clary, you are a terrible liar, you know." His voice turned serious," But, why? What happened? Is something wrong?" He was not far off the mark, but I was not about to tell him that. "I told you, Jace, no. I have not been crying. We should head back now, it's getting dark." He looked like he would like to argue but he refrained. The old jace would never have left my lie hanging but the new Jace seems to be intent on giving off the indifferent vibe. Or maybe it's just me, looking too much into things. We started to trudge along briskly to my house, because he was not inclined to spend anymore time with me or so it seemed. My mind was in a complete blur. I just concentrated on getting back into the warmth of my room and more importantly, to my thoughts. I needed to get a grip. Jace didn't talk at all except for dreary remarks. I did notice that he became secluded since waking up from the nightmare at the park. I didn't realize that I had become so attuned to each of his body language. I could recognize his mind was in denial. I wanted to help him but I was not at all sure about my part in his life from this point. If only he just ended the suspense and communicate directly with me. But he was not the only one to blame, It could be me too. My heart turned heavy at this thought. I turned away from him at the door of my house and murmured in a slow voice, " I guess I will be seeing you tomorrow then, at training." He spoke in a blank voice, " I don't know, maybe, some of us have to do more than training, you know ." That's it. That was the last straw. I still didn't know what did I do to piss him off. If he wants to b..Break up... I couldn't bring myself to think about that. I just simply gave a nod, maybe he will understand that he doesn't need to be with me just because he didn't want to hurt my feelings and also he didn't have any actual feelings for me. Maybe that's the point. He may want me to break up with him and absolve him from blame. My mind was racing too fast by the time I reached my room. I normally hated to be in the same house as my mom. I didn't have any dinner tonight. I should probably go check downstairs. Already heavy with the possibility of a life without Jace, I shook of my boots , changed my gear to normal sweat shorts and an old T-shirt. I also put on some socks because it was slightly chilly. I looked at myself in the mirror , and shrugged. Maybe I had deluded myself in thinking that I too could be wanted, belonged to someone. My mom had said before many times, not to my face, but I knew, Unwanted and unwantable. Valentine, my blood father too hated me because my birth unavoidably separated him from my mom. I usually did not refer to her as my mom in my head, but instead, called her by her name, Jocelyn. Though my mom now hated Valentine, I would never trust her. She wasn't exactly cruel, I would say, but she was too cold for my liking. At least Valentine had shown small moments of love to both Sebastian and Jace,l. My mom and me were always worlds apart. I never knew how she was beneath her cold exterior. I sighed and thought I should really get my priorities straightened out. My mom disliked Jace. I loved him, even if he wanted to get rid from me. I usually found ways of staying out of the house , only returned because I had to. Jocelyn never wanted me in her shadowhunter world. Too afraid or jealous, don't know the real reason. But too bad for her. I was now. I had a talent of art and ever since my memories returned back to me fully, I had an incredible ability of runes. In the light of recent events, I was only sure of these two things. Dead sure. But I also knew I hadn't explored or sharpened my ability to its full realms. I had managed to trace back all my memories that my mom had suppressed, but I hadn't revealed this to anyone . Not even Jace, the clave, Luke , Magnus, Lightwoods, or my mom. Not to a single soul. Because I trusted nobody but myself after this. This thing with Jace opened my eyes. I should have realised earlier that I am never gonna be beautiful enough for anybody, neither inside nor outside. I was selfish, because I asked for Jace's life back from the angel Raziel. I am quite impulsive. Because of me and my worthless life, a war had taken place. Though I was not the direct reason for the war, but partly I felt responsible. Never knew why. Now even though there was no cosmic problem of attraction between jace and me, I never stopped to think about, maybe he would have ceased to love me or want me. I may just be a burden to him when he could have been free, who knows. I didn't want to come to conclusions without talking to Jace. But I did realise something, that whatever it was from now, I may have to be alone. Magnus might be what could be called, my sort of friend as such, but I knew no one would really stand by me now. There was Simon, my ex-best friend. He did agree to go back to how things were between us before as just friends...But I still felt guilty about hurting his feelings and also the minor thing of vampire. Besides, he and Isabelle were dating now, I really didn't want to intrude. Alec might be happily in love with Magnus but he still hated me, I felt. Like everybody else in the clave, no surprise there. The fact was even though Jace was relieved of the tag of being Valentine's actual son and finding out that he was a Herondale, he was a little bit of hero in the shadowhunter world. Whereas I was looked upon with disdain because I was still not properly trained due to my mundane upbringing and I was direct blood offspring of Valentine. Another nauseating fact that my brother Jonathan, whom we preferred to call Sebastian was part demon, risen from the dead and had tried to destroy the entire nephilium clan and tried to convert them to the endarkened side. Fortunately, I evoked the heavenly fire and killed him with the help of Jace. It maddened me think what kind of person I was, killing my own brother. I had to because, sometimes other ties are not as important as blood. Despite all the destruction of the dark side, no matter how much I tried to aid the shadowhunters, still I was looked upon with distaste. To be honest, I did not blame them because, at some time I myself hated me to an extreme extent. Like now.
My own mother did not like me, so why should anybody else? I did not whether she hated me yet or not. The outside danger of Valentine and Sebastian had ended. The portal was sealed. No more another new dimension demons to fight. Only thing left for me to face were my inner demons. And Jace.

After I finished my inner scrutiny, I did make up my mind. First of all, I had no one except perhaps some people. But it was not sure. I would put it this way instead, I had only myself and I had to come to terms with it. Second of all, I had to develop myself without the help of Jace. The clave will not be real eager to help with my training on a special level. I needed to take special effort without the knowledge of anybody. My mom thought by refusing me to stay at the institute and by setting curfews, she could hold me off. She had no idea that I had some special hideouts and can sneak off like a ghost from my window. I had my runes. I will work on them, dig up the library..And could always go to Magnus's den. He was an ancient warlock but not so ancient to look at. I also had to concentrate on my physical prowess, mental strength. Brother Zachariah would definitely help me with that. Only thing I had to keep in mind , I had to do all this in silence. I should also have a no emotive response strategy. It would be better if I became strong in every sense and utilise my power for the good. Although, jace would always be my weakness. I knew that, even though I might not be his. He was also my strength, I could never admit it to his face now.
After fixing up my thoughts, delegations and decisions, I put my hair in a messy updo. My hair was really orangey red. Like really really bright. And wavy. I always used to jealous of Izzy because she had a gorgeous body, glossy hair, really pretty. But, she knew how to work it up to her advantage. I never did or would. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was not carrying my Morgenstern blade, it was weird to be without its weight. I was always slender,but I could see a little flare in my hips, some little curves. My legs were looking toned because of all the running and jumping I had to do in training. But I didn't feel beautiful or even remotely pretty. That feeling only came when Jace used to look at me with his golden eyes. I was just plain, my mom's words.
Shaking my head ruefully, I heaved a sigh and went to the window. The cool air soothed my face. I was reminded of Jace again. I blew a breath and sadly looked into the darkness.

I decided to check downstairs if there was any dinner left.
My mom was sitting at the kitchen table with some sheets in her hand. She looked up and said, " Clary. I heard you come home some time ago. What took you so long...?" She was not asking this in concern, I knew that. She was always suspicious about what I was up to. Always the same old, same old. " Nothing. Just tired. Is there any dinner left?" I hoped there wasn't. Because she was here. Jocelyn said, " No unfortunately, I thought you weren't coming down and must have eaten at the institute. So I emptied them. You can make something if you want." Nothing new. It was her nature. "That's alright. So I will just turn in then. 'Night." She ruffled her papers together and and pushed her chair back. "Well, me too. I am going to sleep. I have an early meeting tomorrow. Be careful at your training tomorrow and please eat at least a bowl of cereal before going." She stood and went out of the kitchen. I was thankful for the tranquility.
I went to my room, changed into a pair of jeans and put on a hoodie over my T-shirt, tucked my special angel seraph blade inside my hoodie pocket. I put on my swift shoes and also took the Morgenstern Raziel blade with me. It was different from the sword. I listened for any noises from my house, but I knew my mom couldn't come into my room for I had locked it. She never even did so. I was mainly hungry and, smiled to myself, it was time for my nightly stroll.

Jace
I couldn't stand one more minute of my obnoxious behaviour towards Clary myself. I wondered how she put up with it. After the torturous walk back to her home, I didn't want to go back to the institute. I anyways can't sleep. Today, especially after the queen left, I was restless and harassed over clary. She was definitely crying. But why, I didn't know. Though I got the idea that the queen must have said something. I wanted to strangle her for making my Clary cry, but who was I to blame? I was also partly doing the same thing. I didn't want to cause this hurt to Clary. But.... I couldn't bring myself to tell about the reason I was acting like this. If I told her, she would start despising me maybe. It was my utmost fear. Though rationally, clary could never do that, but my mind has a gnawing fear I would lose her because of my wretched dreams