Joji’s hands were far from yours that day. That was when you knew something was wrong. Really wrong. Instead they were tucked deep into the pockets of his giant camouflage sweatshirt. The one you always made fun of but secretly loved. There were a lot of things you loved about him.
He wanted to stay friends. That was his main condition. You nodded numbly as the ocean air blew your hair past your shoulders, down your back. You felt uncomfortably exposed.
“Is that okay?” He had asked softly.
You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t even look at him in the eye much less form words through your swimming thoughts.
You just nodded again.
The worst part was probably the fact that you had remained friends. You sat through the same whispered conversations of secrets no one else could know. One day he even held your hand again as you roamed through the crawl spaces this small town had to offer.
He never gave you a reason.
You weren’t sure you could handle one. You still loved him.
A gust of autumn air made your eyes sting. You could feel the pinch of frost at your cheeks as you grit your teeth. Your feet had taken you to a playground. The same one you and your father used to play pirates on, conquering the seven seas. Where you and Joji shared your first tentative kiss under the slides.
You climbed up on to the tallest platform of the old wooden structure. It felt cold as you used your hands to steady yourself sitting down. Your shoes dangled off the edge as your head leaned against one of the wooden posts. It was a long time until you heard someone walk up beside you.
Familiar hands took their place next to you, the same old shoes dangled off the side next to yours and a mop of dark hair flew slightly in the wind.
“Hey, you,” Joji whispered as he nudged you with his elbow. He grinned at you a little, the temperature eliciting the slightest pink blush from his cheeks.
You turned to look at him slowly, returning with a tight lipped grin of your own. You resisted the urge to sigh, or maybe throw yourself off the top of the playground. It was silent for a moment as the two of you stared off into the distance.
He nudged you again with his hand, though this time lingering, holding, squeezing yours. You closed your eyes as you willed the electricity away.
“Are you okay?”
You didn’t bother opening your eyes to respond.
“What do you want, Joji?”
“Wh-what are you talking about?” he whispered softly. You let out the breath you didn’t realize you were holding in a cloud of translucent steam.
You whispered back just as softly, “I can’t just be your convenient friend, Joji. I just can’t.” He was silent, so you continued. “It’s not fair.”
“Babe..”
“I’m not your babe anymore,” you quipped back quickly. Your voice softened as you continued, “You made sure of that months ago.”
A cold pocket of air replaced the warmth that was once encasing your hand. You were sure he was about to leave when his slight touch traced a trail of goosebumps as he tucked your hair behind your ear. Everything in you wanted to swat his hand away and yell at him. Scream at him for leaving you high and dry for weeks at a time, only emerging back to the surface when you thought you’d finally completely been through. Slap him for the times you thought you had moved on yet still found yourself eager to return every missed call, every drunken voicemail. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here. You were sick of being here.
You squeezed your eyes shut as your breathing grew uneven and your chest began to tighten. You cursed your fucking emotions silently as Joji’s calloused fingers left their last gentle flick against your skin. You sucked a breath in hoping it’d calm your nerves but instead it was a shaky inhalation of sharp air that did more harm than good. The first cough sent a shudder through your body, the second lost your cool, and the third was muffled and by Joji’s jacket.
He held you close, moving you to a safe distance away from the edge of the platform so that your backs were against the wood wall. He was the last person you wanted to see you cry. He was the only person you wanted to hold you. Your legs were curled up tight against your body. There was one arm wrapped around your torso, another keeping your face in the crook of his neck. No questions were asked, he just kept your head right there on his neck until your ragged breathing slowed to paced, deep breaths. You couldn’t help hating how right it felt to be so close to him.
“You’re such an asshole,” you whispered into the collar of his moistened jacket. You hiccuped before repeating yourself, though you made no plans to move.
You felt his shoulders heave a sigh and a pressure on your head as he leaned his on yours.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into your hair.
You shook your head.
“I’m not sure if that’ll be enough this time, Joji.”
You untangled yourself from him and got up, through slightly off balanced. You wobbled your way slowly off the maze of platforms. Follow me, damnit. If I mean anything to you, you’d follow me.
“No, wait-!” Joji launched himself at you before you could get much farther. His hand wrapped around your waist and pulled you back to him. You gasped at his sudden movements, your face getting hot as you realized you were chest to chest and he was not about to loosen his grip anytime soon. He rested his forehead against yours and looked you in the eye, though he blinked rapidly through thick lashes, “Can we start over,” was his only whisper.
You felt a tingle that jolted your entire system.
“That’s an awful lot to forget, Joji.”
He placed another hand on your hips and pulled you closer to him. Instinctively you placed your hands on his chest. You could feel his heart beating quickly even through his many layers. Your breath caught in your throat as you felt his warm lips on your forehead. You couldn’t help but tilt your head slightly forward.
“Please,” he breathed. His grip on your waist tightened slightly, pushing you two even closer.
“Please,” he repeated. His lips found your cheek and suddenly the hollow beneath your ear. The corner of your lips.
Your mouth gaped open slightly in anticipation. You both breathed tiny clouds of steam into the air for a moment.
His mouth lingered near yours for a second as though they were testing the waters. The word barely slipped out of his lips before they were on yours. Softly, apologetically. Your hands snaked their way around his neck, pulling him down towards you slightly. The kiss grew more passionate as he realized he wasn’t being slapped across the face, and one hand left your hips to cup your chin while the other migrated to the small of your back. Slowly, you pulled away with a slight smack, but not before he pecked your lips one last time.
For a moment no one moved. His hands still over your body, your arms around his neck.
It was you who broke the silence.
“I’m here.”
