Release

Inside my head

Public holiday. I legitimately just watched "13 Reasons Why".

Although, as I'm sitting here, a friend asks me: "What do I think about? What goes on inside my head?"

I can't tell him. My head's a mess. I think about a guy who doesn't see me like I see him and it makes me feel like the biggest idiot alive on Earth. Why can't he see me? Does he not eant to see me? Tell me! Why do you not see me? I want this so bad to work, but it's hard if it just comes from one side... But you will not see me. Not like I see you. Not soon. And maybe not ever...

And my past. I dread thinking about my past. It breaks me every time and leaves me in tears.

I think about Mom and Dad and how I'm not their little girl anymore. I think about my sister who has a boyfriend and I don't.

I'm sitting here crying to a book that will never talk. I think about everything I regret. Like walking away when I should've kissed someone. Or like letting someone take some of my innocence away by one stupid choice. Or not studying harder. Letting a friend slip through my fingers when there was nothing I could do to stop it. Ending a five-year friendship in the manner I did.

I wished I could take it all back. Like the wind blowing outside my window. Blowing my past mistakes away. Fixing it. Blowing the broken pieces together in the way they should have happened. According to me, though.

But I don't actually wish that things worked out in the past. Maybe I'd be sitting with more heartbreak or more bad experiences. More bad mistakes. But mistakes happen. Who are we to judge the people making the mistakes. We have no right.

Through a wet and blurry windshield of corneas, I end off this entry...