Fire ↬ Ben Parish

09

THERE are tons of different versions of all the people in the world. I'm not sure how many versions of me there are. I thought there was only one now, Raven, the girl who was born in the waves. Zombie brought out a different version of me last night. A version I'm trying so desperately to get rid of. A version that will kill me in the long run. A version that doesn't fit into this world.

When he asked me to pray with him and Nugget, I couldn't say no. I should have, it's what Raven would've done. But that version of me wasn't there in that moment. The way Zombie was looking at me, his eyes searching for something, for anything, made that version disappear.

I don't like it. It's not fair, a look like that shouldn't have survived this long. Emotions should have disappeared by now. Showing your soft side won't do you any good. So, why should I show mine?

Coming back from our three morning laps, I'm right behind Zombie. He's trying to casually catch his breath from the fourth lap that he just finished but, he's failing miserably. The rest of squad 53 is walking along side us. There is a small conversation going on between Teacup and Oompa but as side from that, everyone is silent. My boots seem to pound at the ground with every step I take.

My anger consumes me every time I look up at Zombie. I can only see the bad of his head, but it's still pissing me off. He can't do that. He can't make me go soft. I won't let him.

"Hey, Zombie?" I speed up my steps so I'm walking beside him, "We need to talk."

His furrows his eyebrows, "Okay."

We stand off to the side of the hallway. The rest of the squad continues on their march to the mess hall, leaving us alone in the silent hallway. It's weird how quiet the hallway really is. You'd think an army base would be full of commotion all the time. And don't get me wrong, it normally is, but when it's time for lunch, everybody's in the mess hall except for maybe a few people. And Zombie and I, apparently.

His cheeks are still flushed in a pale pink color. Today, I realized what he was doing. I thought it didn't make sense, him getting last man all the time during morning run, that is. He voluntarily gets last man so that Nugget and Oopma, who both are always falling behind, don't have to run another lap. So that only he has to suffer.

That's the problem though, Zombie still has all the different versions of himself. He is not only hardcore but also selfless. Not only brave for others but also in need of help himself. He doesn't try to get rid of any of those versions either. He's kindhearted but he doesn't take any shit. It's the kindheartedness that will get him killed. But he can't help it. Becoming fully one version of yourself is hard. I know that, but need to. I need to so that I can survive. So that I can get the revenge that I seek. I have to be cold enough to handle this world.

My voice is steady and my eyes are narrowed, "You can't just bring me into your bullshit."

He crosses his arms and settles a confused look on his face., "What are you talking about?"

"Last night. Deal with your own shit and leave me out of it." I mimic his position by crossing my arms, "Nugget is your problem. Not mine."

He doesn't say anything. He licks his lips and keeps his eyes away from my gaze. He scans the hall, behind his shoulder, behind mine. His shoulders shutter and he lets out a deep breath as if preparing to say something.

"Just keep me out of your problems." I snap, before he can talk.

He looks up at me and parts his lips. His voice has this shakiness to it, "I needed someone, okay?"

I scoff, annoyance playing in my tone, "What?"

"I needed someone. I just needed someone to be on my side and not against me. Just once."

My tone doesn't change, "And why did that someone have to be me? Everyone in the squad practically worships the ground you walk on--except Flint and Tank--" I shake my head, "but that doesn't matter. Just, next time, keep me out of it."

"Will do." He runs a hand through his hair, making it a greater mess than it already is. Then, he flashes me this awful, fake half- smile. His voice comes out flat. "Thanks, Raven."

With that he walks away. Is it bad that I don't feel guilty?

-------

I walk into the mess hall just a few seconds after Zombie. My mind keeps going back to the conversation Zombie and I had in the bathroom a few days ago compared to what he just said today. I get in line and throw some food onto my plate.

Everybody needs someone. He said. I needed someone. He said.

It keeps echoing in my mind. I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone. I think he knows this. I don't think his was talking about me when he said that everyone needed someone. Or maybe he was, but he definitely wasn't just talking about me. Maybe he was also talking about himself.

I head toward 53's table. My seat is next to Zombie's. I'm not really in the mood to sit near him but I refuse to sit anywhere else. Everyday I sit in my seat and everyone else sits in their's. It's just how it works.

As I sit, I notice Teacup and Oompa both looking at Zombie. Then, Cup whispers into Oompa's ear, "See I told you!"

Then, she takes a brief pause and her eyes meet mine. She has on a bright smile. She wiggles her eyebrows at me while she speaks, "what we're you two doing?"

I give her this puzzled look. I know what she's implying, or at least I think I do. She is seven. She shouldn't even know what I think she's implying.

Then Tank cuts in and I find out she is implying exactly what I thought. "Was she any good, Zombie?" He asks.

"What?" Zombie starts, "We weren't—"

Flintstone cuts him off, "We don't blame you, man." A smirk rises on his face and he looks over at me, "When's my turn?"

My blood boils. I clench my fists so hard, my knuckles burn into a white color. It takes all my strength not to punch him. I want to knock that smirk right off his face and add onto to his already broken nose. I ignore the question, somehow. I look at Teacup, "You think we we're having sex?"

"Yeah, It's kind of obvious!" She exclaims. Why is she so upbeat about this? She is seven. Seven!

Flint expression doesn't change, the twisted smirk is still riding his lips, "Raven, you didn't answer my question."

"Fuck off, Flint." I snap, not really thinking.

Teacup growls at him while rolling her eyes, "Oh, stop being such a pig, Flint."

I'm about to say something but Zombie cuts me off before I can start.

"Okay, okay, that's enough." He commands, holding his hands up. "First of all, we didn't have sex. Second of all—"

"Second of all, I'd rather kill myself then sleep with any of you." I interject.

Zombie looks at me. His expression is unreadable. "Not what I was going to say, but alright."

Teacup laughs and leans forward on her hands, "I'm still convinced you had sex."

I take two fingers and rub the bridge of my nose. Is this conversation actually happening right now?