Remember Us

Chapter 4

What is the purpose of life exactly?  Is it simply to walk the empty streets and breathe the oxygenated air surrounding us? Is it to simply survive each day wishing you didn't have to? If you know you won't amount to anything after school, why would you want to make it that far? See, when you are as I am, you know this stuff. You can tell how life will be after highschool simply by the way life has been for you during your school years. Mine have been spent being alone, the occasional beat ups, being made fun of, and having no one like you. What makes anyone think that will all change just because you got a piece of paper on a stage while wearing a cap and gown? Nothing will be different. I have been in the same foster care unit basically my whole life, I haven't had a job in my seventeen years of existence,  I have no friends, the guy I love has 'moved on'. I simply know for a fact that I will not make it on my own.

So now tell me, why would I desire the need to remain alive? Why would I want to live any longer? I don't, to answer that question. I don't wish to stay alive. Let's put it this way, I'm just another person. There's seven billion of us out there. What will one less person be to anyone? The only thing I am simply doing is taking up oxygen that someone far more important could be using. I take up space, I'm just there. I would be doing the world a favor to no longer show up. No one would care if I left. They would give my room away at the unit, my desks at school would be taken by new students, my stuff will be given to people who deserves it.

And so now I walk, to the place I know where my suffering will end, to the place I know will once again bring me happiness. For once in my dreadful existence, I feel excited. I have never been so excited about anything my whole life. This is going to happen, I have it planned. Nothing will mess me up or stop me. I have my nifty little friend tucked safely in my pocket, and I have my location where I will finally be brought to happiness.

I made my way through town completely aware of all the kids from school walking the opposite way I was in order to get to school. None of them did anything more than give horrible looks in my direction as I simply pushed through them and said nothing with a blank expression on my face.

Have you ever had that rush of excitement running through your veins so much that it feels like your body is tingly? Have you ever wanted something so bad that you felt unstoppable trying to get it? Have you ever been on your way to get it when something horrible happens, slowing you down and possibly stopping you from even getting it?

In that exact moment I have. Instead of stopping and telling what is trying to hold me back, I picked up my pace as I walked quicker. I don't care what it is, I won't let it stop me now. I'm so close, and I will get what I want.

Now I am hearing my name. This is the voices inside my head, trying to torment my existence once again. That is what I must keep telling myself, I have to. No one in this messed up world would be the ones trying to stop me. In fact, I'm almost positive that if the world knew what I had planned, it would be chanting "Do it. Do it" over and over again, just waiting for that happy moment where I do it.

And suddenly I began to notice that the voice wasn't the one I have known in my head. I know the voice, but who does it belong to? Maybe it's best if I don't find out, so I won't. I kept walking. Again, it was yelling at me. "God damn it Lexis!"

He yelled as I was sent flying to the ground. "ow fuck.." I mumbled, placing my hand tightly around my wrist. Sure as hell, Mikey. "What the hell Mikey?! oww.." "I'm sorry, you just kept ignoring me." "Well god I wonder why.." He sighed and I shut my eyes. I was pretty sure I felt a crack in my wrist, not that it would be anything new. That same wrist has a bandage around it from the visit my little friend payed me. "Did I hurt you?" He asked, gesturing to my wrist. "no I'll be fine.." "Let me see" I shook my head and looked around, trying to avoid eye contact. He had knocked me down, so I was now on my back with him on top of me. Great, just where I wanted to be today.