Remember Us

Chapter 2

There's nothing like the feeling of being stood up. It's similar to waiting and waiting for what seems as years in time, for nothing that you wish was something. To add to all that, knowing that you should be someplace warm and nice. But instead, you're nowhere. I should be use to this, having someone make a plan with me and leave me. You would think after seventeen years of being left on your own, you would have learned by now not to trust anyone when it comes to things such as this. Part of me hoped he would come by and say he was running late, the other part of me is glad that he didn't show. If he did, that would mean talking to him. Remembering all their good moments we shared together, all of it. I was happy back then. I didn't have the urge to hurt myself with whatever I had around me whenever I felt it was needed. I wouldn't be the socially awkward and depressed teenage girl with nowhere to go or anyone to call a 'friend' let alone family.

The more I sat on this cold and hard ground, the more I found myself thinking of it. Being with him, made every thing perfect. He somehow managed to pull my disaster of a life into place. When he left, I felt as though everything was then worse than it was before. The foster center took me in for my regular doctor check up, that's when they officially diagnosed me with the wonderful thing known to us as depression. They put me on medication, when it wasn't working they switched me to a higher dose along with therapy. I learned something through all of that. When being an individual in therapy or counselling, their job is to make sure you're better. If you go regularly and pretend to be better, the sooner you can get the hell out of there.

How easy it is to put on a fake smile and everyone jumps to then conclusion that you live the best life a human being could ever possibly live.

All I want out of life is to have someone show me that I don't have to fake a smile to be happy. I want someone to show me that I can smile a real smile and be happy. I was hoping that someone would be Michael Andrew Gardner. I was wrong.

Instead of spending yet another hour in front of the god forsaken hell, further known as school, I decided to walk home. Cliche if you might say, I swore someone was either watching or following me. Sure as hell, there he was. He yelled out my name and I stopped walking so he could catch up to me easier. "Lexis! Hey wait up!"

By the time he had reached me he was struggling to find air into his lungs. "I am so sorry! Stupid teacher had to hold me in for a while longer." "I have been waiting for an hour. It's almost four thirty." "I know and I am so so sorry!" I nodded and he started walking so I walked along side him. "You still want to hang out?" I simply shrugged my shoulders as I stuffed my hands into my jean pockets. "I know this is a bit awkward for you, because it is for me." We walked in silence before I decided to answer. "You didn't call me." "I know, I tried I really did." "You left and I didn't hear from you for two years" "I'm here now though." I nodded. "Where are you headed to then?" "the foster care unit." "oh. Still stuck there, huh?" I nodded as he bit on the corner of his lip. "Hey can I uh, can I ask you something?" I looked at him and nodded my head a little. "Do you know that blonde girl? Lilly, I think her name is." "Yes"

"what is she like?" I shrugged. "Doesn't talk to me." "oh.." He seemed a bit disappointed. I gave him a look of confuesion. "She asked me out today, I was wondering if you could tell me what she's like."

That may or may not have hurt. Who the hell am I kidding? That really hurt. He wanted to hang out with me to ask me about this girl he just met today and whom has also asked him out. I knew it was too good to be true. And suddenly, I had that urge yet again. Oh how I can not wait for this walk to be done so I can lock myself in the small room I have and finally see my friends after this horrid day.

"Oh. What did you say?" He smiled just the smallest of smiles."I said yes." I nodded. I tried my hardest not to look upset by it. He isn't mine, I shouldn't be upset by him being with another girl. I don't even understand why I have this feeling of jealousy over it. Oh how I wished he was mine though. Thankfully the walk then came to an end as I reached the door to my 'home' He said goodbye and I simply waved before entering the house. I walked past a few people and up the stairs to my room. Once inside I made sure to lock then door.

That moment right there, I felt like it was all rushing back to me. All the bad memories, the evil thoughts that controlled my mind, even sometimes my actions. Sliding down the door until I hit the ground to pull my knees tight against my chest. I can't take this any longer. I shut my eyes and rested my head atop my knees and cried. The tears flowing freely from my faded green eyes as I whispered the same sentence repeatedly to myself. "Make it stop, I don't want to hurt any longer, please." I crawled across the room to the night stand beside my bed and opened the drawer. I emptied the contents of that small red bag onto the floor in front of me.

I finally felt relief. I didn't have to hold anything back any longer. I let it all flow free at last. Crying and sniffling as I searched through them drawer to find my bandages. The red flowing from the open wounds was beautiful. It made me happy. Now they are bleeding, tomorrow they will be forming as a scab that will soon be gone. Leaving nothing but pink lines up my arm. Just like all the other ones. I enjoy adding to my collection of pink and white lines upon my pale white skin. They gave it texture and color. How I wished they could be red all the time, sadly they can't. Only the new additions can be. The silver texture of my friend is no longer silver, instead it is the color I adore the most. Red. Beautiful. What made this better was knowing that my friend was covered in my red. 

---

"Alexis wake up. Time for school." I sighed deeply before getting out of bed. The "owner" of this whole foster care unit thing comes around and wakes all of us school kids up at six and makes sure we get to school before seven thirty.

I sighed deeply before prying myself from the warmth of my bed.

After I was dressed and looked somewhat presentable, I went downstairs and was on my way to school. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear from life. No one cares enough to notice if I did, no one would come to my funeral. As soon as I get the courage to do it, you bet your ass I will without a single hesitation. "Hey Lex!" He's the last person I wanted to hear from today, and yet here he is. "hi" "How are you?" I shrugged and we walked down the hall. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" his eyebrow raised and he looked at me like he had no idea what he was doing. "You broke up with me years ago and left without so much as a goodbye. You hurt me, and now all of a sudden you're back and you're acting like it never happened and that we are friends or something."

"I thought maybe we could be friends." "yeah right. No one ever wants to be my friend. I can't just be your friend, Mikey. I still love you."

Oh my god I just said that. He gave a look of sympathy and sadness. No, no. This is the last thing I need. "Lex, I'm sorry I just- I moved on. If you don't want to be friends, that's okay I guess. I'm with Lilly now."  And there it is. I didn't want him to see me cry, I turned and ran. Where I was running to, I don't know. Anywhere but here, that's for sure.  I guess you just can't get lucky to have something happen for a second time. He yelled my name as I ran, the tears threatening to spill over any second now.

Why can't life be good? Why does it treat those who deserve to be happy, the worst? What did I do to be punished with this? I just want to be free, I want it to be over so I don't have to worry about anything ever again. I'm tired, I am tired of everything; trying and failing, crying, putting on a fake smile every day so people think I'm happy, crying myself to sleep after I nearly bleed for hours at a time, feeling alone, wishing to die so I no longer have to deal with society and everyone in it. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being tired. Is it so hard for someone to truly care and like me? Everyone deserves to be loved and happy, everyone but me. I will never be loved by anyone. I will never be happy.

The first and last time I will truly be happy is when I take that last step before I'm free.

I don't have family, the family I had wants nothing to do with me, and never has. I have no friends, everyone at school hates me and laughs at me. I had Mikey, but he's moved on. He's forgotten about us, he doesn't care anymore. I mean nothing to him anymore. He's all I want, he's all I need to survive. He just doesn't see it.

So I run to the place I know it will get better. Where I will take my last breath, my final step, and my last tear ever to be cried. And so I say goodbye. All for Michael Andrew Gardner.