My Will To Live

CHAPTER 8- Nightmares

I can feel my heart sink down to the pits of hell.

Wow, that sure sounded depressing.

I'm locked away in a cold, dark and plain room. Everywhere around me are grey walls. Somehow or other, I know I've been here before.

Then I see her. Taylor. I scream to get her attention. The one person who I've been holding on to as a lifeline is finally here. She turns and sees me. A smile seems to be making it's way onto her face, but it quickly turns to fear. She points a shaky finger behind me.

I tilt my head to one side, confused. What is she so scared about?

I get my answer a second later. Advancing on me are two bulky looking guys. Immediately, one strides over to me and starts hitting me, over and over again. I wince in pain, and out of the corner of my eye, I spot my parents. They are sitting in a pristine white room, directing the suddenly numerous number of henchmen. Two walk over to Taylor.

No. They won't hurt her, will they?

They pick her up like she weighs nothing. And then I see it. Bruises, all over her legs and arms. It's extremely easy to see because the hem of her dress is torn. She looks at me helplessly, and I rush to the door to try and push it open, but the henchmen beat me to it. They hit me more, until I can feel my consciousness start to fade, and the last thing I see before everything goes black is Taylor, slumping to the floor and not moving.

I wake with a start. If that wasn't the most scary nightmare I have ever had in my existence then I don't know what is. My breathing is labored and to my surprise, tears are leaking out the corner of my eyes. My heart is beating so quickly I think it's about to jump out. A clock on the wall says that it's 2am. I try to calm myself down but I can't. Each passing second only increases my agony. My heart keeps beating quickly, and I. Can't. Stop. Crying.

I think I'm having what is known as a panic attack.

My mind refuses to stop torturing me, sending images of my parents, and Taylor, being tortured by them. It was complete agony. The person who I had held to like a lifeline all my life, and I was forced to watch her being beaten and screaming in agony, by my parents. You know what was worse? Sometimes I had to watch her die. In the worst ways possible.

I tried to tell myself that Taylor was okay. That I was okay. That I would escape, and that everything that was making me scared was all in my head, but it didn't work. All I could do was watch as the clock ticked slowly, and each minute felt like years.

I just wanted this to end. I wanted to stop blaming myself for my dad losing his job, for my sister's disappearance, for my own freaking existence. I didn't want to live. I just wanted to die.

Why couldn't I die? Then it would be so much easier. Wouldn't have to suffer through... All of this. Wouldn't have abusive parents hot on my trail. Wouldn't have to be stuck in a hospital. And, quite obviously, wouldn't be mentally unstable and be in pure agony.

Because of Taylor, you're living for Taylor you idiot!

And just like that, I finally calmed down.

At around 4am in the morning. Oh joy.

The next time I'm having a panic attack isn't far. I'm almost out of the hospital and getting ready to go. Getting ready to runaway. I've pretty much convinced the people at the front desk to let me go, but then I see them...

My parents. And they're looking for me. All at once a huge rush of memories come flooding back. Being punched. Passing out. Having a glass thrown on my head. Locked in a car that was seeping poisonous gas. But not just those memories. Happy memories find their way into my brain too. Birthdays. My sister. Times when I had friends. Family road trips. All of these memories come at me in an unexpected ball.

I can feel my knees buckle. My entire heart is crumpling, missing and feeling nostalgic for that time. I can feel the first tear slide down my cheek, and I know I'm a goner.

I just want a hug and a home, is that so hard? I just want a place where I won't be scared, I just want to be a somebody instead of a nobody, I just want to stop being my parents' punching bag. I want to be five when I didn't care about school or home or anywhere.

"Oh, darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up,

You can still be simple." 

I don't want to grow up.  Ever. I don't want to go through abuse and pain and bullying and feeling like I'm worthless. I don't want my only goal to be simply getting through a day. I want something more.

I'm not going to get it.

You know what I want most? I want to curl up in bed and fall asleep and either never wake up or wake up and realize everything was all just a horrible, terrible dream. That when I wake up I'll see my parents smile warmly down at me as they call me for breakfast and nag on and on about how I shouldn't use my phone at the table. Or how I should get dressed for school. Or how I shouldn't sleep in so late if it's a Sunday. I want to go to school and listen to my friends drone on and on about their latest crush and whine about how the teacher is such a douche bag.

But it's not. It's not all of those. Instead I get woken up at five, get hit, prepare breakfast for my so-called "parents", go to school on an empty stomach(leftovers if I'm lucky, and as you can tell I never am.) I have no friends at all to speak of and can't even whine about how the teacher's such a douche bag because all of them are just bitchy to me anyway.

It sucks. I wish I was a kid.

I don't want this. All of this. I don't want pain and hurt. And as I sit here silently watching my parents-who really couldn't care less if they found me or not-and tears trickle down my face, I realize I'm stuck in this nightmare whether I like it or not. Why can't it be not real?

Except it is.

And I'm possibly doomed to be stuck in this nightmare forever.

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Hey guys!

This isn't as long and probably just a filler, but common tests are almost over and I have a long weekend ahead of me, I just might update! (No promises, though) Thanks for answering my questions! Currently I have none but I may ask soon!

Anyway so this chapter isn't all that much about Taylor and more about Margie. Now that her character's been further developed, what do you think of her? Hope you guys are all having a nice day/evening!

Megan(meow)