love can't be lost

chapter thirty five

Johnny POV

the day had come. i had called my manager and told him that i would accept the world tour. kenzie had called the acting agency and told them that she would accept the role. today, she was flying to paris to meet her cast members and the director, and i was flying to tokyo to start my world tour.

it had been three weeks since we had officially accepted the offers that had been provided to us, and since then we had been trying to spend every moment together. funny how you can see someone almost every second of every day and still never get tired of seeing their face.

as i sat lying in my bed, i thought back on a conversation we'd had earlier in the week. we were sitting together on the beach, watching the sunset while drinking smoothies.

flashback to a couple days prior

"we can't be together, johnny," kenzie says suddenly and it takes me by surprise, because we hadn't talked about us ever since we found out that we would both have to be leaving.

"what?" i questioned.

"we can't be together. it'll just be too hard when we have to leave each other. i can't be your girlfriend, not again..." she avoids my eyes and looks down.

i stay silent, thinking. i guess she's right. leaving while we're together would be even harder than leaving as it is now.

"what are you saying?" i ask.

she hesitates, and i prepare myself for what i know is going to come out of her mouth but what i pray won't.

"i think... that when we're both gone, in–in completely different countries, we should... we should see other people," she blurts and i look down as well.

i can't imagine being with anyone but her. ever since the day that i asked her to be my girlfriend she's been the only one that i ever have wanted to be with. and now, in just a couple of days, i'm supposed to forget all those feelings and just pretend nothing ever happened?

but then again, it can't be mackenzie for the rest of my life. no matter how much i want it to be, it can't be that. i have to move on, and i guess the day we say goodbye is as good a time as any to start to move on.

but before i can say anything, she starts again.

"and... and by the end of this year, i just want to be free of the pain. i'm not saying i don't want to love you or think of you anymore— i'm just saying i don't want it to hurt like this forever. i want to achieve a state of peace within myself where i can accept that it's over and be grateful for all that we had together... i want to be able to look back on it with only fondness for the memories we shared without the terrible pain and longing. i don't regret anything and i never will. i don't want to hate you or forget you or pretend nothing ever happened... i just want to be happy."

i gently took her face and turned it towards me. she had tears running down her face and i wiped them away.

"whatever you want."

and then i kissed her. i mean, we still had some time.

so today we're going to have to say goodbye for good. don't actually know how i'm going to do it. but i will.