Can't keep meeting like this!

23

It was very quickly creeping up to the one year anniversary of the death of my daughter and fiancé, I literally had no clue how I was going to cope but already I didn't feel like I would. I booked the week off so I wouldn't have a break down at work, I hadn't mentioned it to anyone as I didn't want them to worry and I didn't want their sympathy but as the day grew nearer Jesse could tell something was up as he kept asking me.

It was my last Saturday at work before I had the following week off and I felt so anxious so I just sort of kept myself to myself, the girls at home knew what was happening and had been amazing but it didn't stop this feeling of dread.

I had finished my last client so I cleaned up my station and said goodbye to the ladies in the salon and said I would see them when I'm back. I didn't actually have any plans for my week off I was thinking tomorrow being the day before the anniversary I would chill at home and try and mention it to Jesse as I don't want him thinking I'm being distant because of him.

I woke up the next morning with a text from Jesse "morning beautiful, I'm heading out for a surf but wondered if you fancied lunch? Xx"

I quickly replied "morning babe, yeah okay fancy a chilled one at mine? Xx"

I didn't expect a reply straight away considering he was going for a surf so I got myself out of bed and into the shower. I was stood under the water letting it hit my face whilst I was having a daydream, it felt so real It was Layla's first birthday and we had a tea party around our house with family and friends we had just sang happy birthday to her with her cake and she had let go of me and walked for the first time to her dad. The cheers and excitement that rushed around the room was amazing and I had felt I was back there watching my baby take her first unaided steps. God knows how long I was under the shower but I was knocked out of my Day dream by someone knocking the bathroom door.

"You alright in there Kens? You've been in there for ages" I knew it was lauren

"Yeah sorry just getting out and it's all yours" I said as I turned the water off. I dried myself and opened the door to find lauren still waiting outside "sorry I was in my own world in there" I smiled trying to hide how I was really feeling.

"That's alright babe" she replied as I started walking back to my room "Kens if you ever want a chat I'm always here"

"I know babe, thank you" I smiled as I walked into my room and shut the door. Lauren knows me better than anyone and can read me like a book, she was the one who dragged me out of bed and washed my hair in the bath when I couldn't face anyone the days following Tom and Layla's death. She was the one with my parents to persuade me to organise the best send off we could for them both and the one who held me at the funeral and cried with me most nights. We have always been inseparable but going through that with her by my side made us unbreakable.

The way I was feeling I was not getting dressed or bothering to do my hair and makeup. I threw on my white strapless bikini and headed downstairs, made a cup of tea and headed outside for a fag.

I was having a clean up when the front door knocked "oh hello babe" I greeted Jesse with a kiss

"Didn't you get my text?" He asked as I shut the door behind him

"No sorry babe I've been on a cleaning spree"

"That's alright it only said il bring lunch" he waved the subway bag infront of my face which made me laugh "let's go eat, I'm starving after that surf"

We sat down on the sofa and started to tuck into our lunch "thanks for lunch babe"

"No worrries" Jesse said whilst shoving some subway in his mouth "hey I wanted to talk to you about something"

"Yeah what's up?"

"Well it's just you've been really switched off the past few days and I know it's the first anniversary coming up but I didn't want to bug you about it but if you need anything just let me know" he smiled at me

"And this Mr Polock is why I love you" I said whilst leaning in for a kiss, that kiss quickly turned passionate as he pulled me to him so I was sat on his lap with the legs either side of him. As the kiss for more intense I pulled his top over his head and he did the same to me. "Shall we take this upstairs?" I said in between kisses

"Is anyone home?"

"No they are all out today"

"Well then, no need to move then" he said as he undid my bra which made me giggle. Before you blink we were undressing our bottom half's and he sat me back on top of him, we both took a sharp intake of breath before I got to work bouncing up and down.

"That was a great lunch you brought over" I smirked

"I should bring lunch more often" he laughed "so did you want to go for a walk?"

"Yeah can do, il just nip to the toilet" once I had sorted myself out we headed out the door.

We quietly walked along Maroubra beach and I was hoping we wouldn't bump into anyone we knew not today.

"I'm sorry I've been distant, I don't mean to i just don't know how to feel" I tell Jesse as we sit down on the sand.

"I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, like yeah I've lost people close to me but not a child"

I was playing with the sand infront of me and didn't really want to look up "only my family and the girls know how hard it really hit me, but Lauren and my parents were the ones who pulled me out of the dark place I was in, I had never felt like that and never want to feel like that, know one should. That's why I think you and maxi doing the jet ski ride is such a positive thing, I was lucky enough to have people around me but some aren't so lucky".

"Did you attempt it?" I knew he was looking at me but I was to worried to look up.

"Honestly, yeah I did. I just didn't want to be here any more without them, I was put on anti depressants and sleeping pills just so I could get a few hours sleep at night but one night it all got too much and I took a load of the pills and hoped they would work"

"Who found you?"

"My mum did and it broke her heart seeing me like that, I was rushed to hospital and had to have my stomach pumped. Now I'm so glad she found me as look at where I am now and how happy I am, other than the past few days with the anniversary coming up I've not felt this happy since Layla was born".

Jesse lifted my head up with his hand and wiped away the tears I didn't even know had started to fall "I'm glad you can open up to me and I want you to know I'm always here no matter what it won't scare me, I love you"

"I love you too" I said and put my head on his shoulder "I'm glad I finally told you".

The sun was going in and we were feeling the cold a little bit, as we walked off the beach we bumped into dean and Danielle "hey guys" dean greeted us "fancy the pub for one?"

Jesse looked at me "Yeah why not" I said whilst pulling Jesse by the hand.

Once we had got the the bar we all ordered a drink and sat down and started chatting, I'm glad we came as for a little bit it took my mind off what was coming up tomorrow.