Sinner

Jimin

       I watch wearily as Yoongi closes the door firmly behind him and takes off. Frowning in apprehension, I decide to see what he gets up to. I mean, he's been disappearing as much as possible the last week or so and I just don't understand.
     I flip off the sheets and slip my shoes on, shivering in the cool night air since I'm only in my sleep shorts and a loose shirt. I run after him as he heads towards the woods around the camp.
     I stay back in the shadows as we run for at least a couple miles and until anxiousness takes over me. We're pretty far from camp and it's late and cold. Why does he come out here every night alone?
     Eventually he stops and just stands panting in a spot of moonlight as I watch from behind a tree trying to stay silent and unseen.
Suddenly he slips through a large bush so I hesitantly follow after him to discover a little shed. Chewing my bottom lip nervously, I slip through the door to see him kneeling on the dirty ground, his fingers digging into the earthy floor.
I keep myself hidden as he falls to the ground and just stares up at the ruined roof, the stars visible through the rusty holes peppering the structure.
"Father...help me find strength." He begins praying quietly. Whispering his words as he rests a hand over his chest. "I'm afraid I can't do this..." he sighs.
What can't he do?
"I wish I were stronger but I'm not. I'm s-slipping. Please, lord...help me.." suddenly he bursts out into sobs. So broken and full of misery that my own heart breaks for him. I hold back my own tears as I wonder what has him so stressed and in pain. Why won't he talk to me?
Didn't I offer my friendship and understanding? Am I not good enough to help him through his suffering?
"I've sinned again..."
That catches my attention. I glance back at him.
"...I can't help myself. I keep letting myself give into these awful temptations that I feel will destroy me. I need guidance. I can't take this much longer. Perhaps I should consider moving into the church." He sighs.
My heart pound in my chest as I take in his words. Who is he talking about? Is there someone he likes? Someone he...wants? Pain fills me at the thought of someone else taking him away from me. I haven't even gotten my chance yet! I need more time! Why would he leave me and move into the church?! He can't!
I can't stop myself. Panicked at thoughts of losing him, I fall out of the shadows, startling us both. He shoots up shame faced and glares at me.
"Jimin! What are you doing here?" He dusts his pants off and stands.
Swallowing hard, I find my feet moving of their own volition until I'm standing an inch from him. "Please talk to me. W-what's wrong? Please don't move out and leave me alone." I beg, grabbing his hand and squeezing. His skin is ice cold.
He stands stonily and expressionless, his tears long gone and replaced with a seriousness and inner strain so hard I can feel his entire body tense.
"We should go back." His voice is monotone and I know I fucked up. Shit. I refuse to release him, though, as he tries to move.
Feeling like everything is already ruined, I lean up on my tippy toes and press my lips to his. Not caring about repercussions or anything. His lips are soft and sweet and warm, the complete opposite from his icy hands.
He freezes up in shock as I hesitantly move my lips against his, begging silently for reciprocation as I cling to his firm stoney form.
      After what feels like an eternity, he actually brushes his lips back against mine, thrilling me to no end. I gasp into his mouth and run my tongue over his bottom lip, wanting so bad to taste him.
     My hands clutch at his shoulders, pulling our bodies together in desperation not to part. I've dreamed so much of this exact moment since I first laid eyes on this man.
     Just as suddenly as it began, he pushes me away with an appalled expression. Tears soak his cheeks and he seems even paler than normal in the moonlight. I open my mouth to stammer out an apology but he quickly steps back away from me.
      "D-don't!" He demands.
      Hurt lances through me and the physical pain nearly makes my knees buckle.
      "I'm sorry! I shouldn't-"
      "I said don't! Please, Jimin." He pauses to take a deep breath. "You have to be reassigned. This isn't going to work. I can't do this with you anymore." He pants, eyes wide and body shaking.
     I step forward. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking! Please don't hate me!" I cry out, feeling my heart shatter as he walks away from me.
     "It's better if we don't see each other anymore. I'll go to Father Kim first thing in the morning to have you moved." He whispers.
      I reach out for him, latching onto his wrist. "You promised you'd help me! Are you just going to give up on me? Punish me if you have to but don't leave me alone!" I scream, my voice ringing in my ears as blood pulses through my body much too loud as panic rushes over me.
      He shakes his head with a sad smile. "I can't hurt you like that again, Jimin. It wasn't right then and it's not right now. This is all my fault. I feel I've somehow led you on and I'm deeply sorry. I can't be anything you want. I'm no good."
     "You are! Stop putting yourself down! Stop hurting yourself! I know you still do! You think I don't see the bloodstains all over your clothes? I see everything!" I sob.
      He lowers his head in shame. "You shouldn't worry yourself over me. Focus on yourself and Hoseok. Isn't he you boyfriend?" He asks, desperation lacing his tone.
     I roll my eyes. "I don't want to talk about him! This is about us!" I yell.
     "There is no us, Jimin!" He finally loses his temper and yells back at me. I flinch in shock. He's usually so calm and somber. "Get over this, over me! This isn't going to happen, Jimin! Get it through your pretty little head! No!" He shoves me away from him.
     I lose my balance and trip over a random stone, grunting in pain as my side lands hard on the ground. I lift myself up to seek him out but as I feel tears running down my face...
      He's already gone.
      And I'm alone.