If I'm Louder, Will You Hear Me?

Chapter 4: Insecurities to Love Interests

            Ever since 6th grade, when kids were brutal about appearance, I had been insecure. Every day I went to school, looking like normal Haley, and saw all these prettier girls walking around looking gorgeous and popular. I had made a couple close friends and had known most of the other kids in my grade but never really hung out with any of them. There was one girl, Eliza, who I really liked. She was my best friend, besides Niall, and we always hung out. We had 3 classes together: health, math, and p.e. She was no stranger to my house either. Our middle school was a little further than my high school so we’d have to take the bus.

            She used to come to my house every week or so. She came so often that I had a spot on my desk of just her stuff and a drawer in my dresser for her clothes when she spent the night. In 7th grade her parents got a divorce and she had to move in with her dad, who lived in a different city. We hardly talked after 7th grade and I had felt horrible losing my best friend. I was sad for a while but tried hanging with other people. There was another girl I thought I had the same bond with but I was terribly mistaken when she backstabbed me to try and get close to Niall because she had a crush on him.

            In 8th grade, when all the popular girls were developed and flawless, I had a traumatic experience. Niall had gone to high school and I was left alone. No Niall, no Eliza, no mom to come home to. She worked so hard for me. I trudged through the halls every day, learning and doing work, becoming the little book worm I am now. One day a popular girl named Brooke became my friend and she came to my house a few times, going through my wardrobe and ‘helping’ me pick out cute outfits to wear and look like her. She bought me make up and a bunch of hairspray. She barbie-fied me. I looked like a bigger version of her, seeing as she was a skinny size 0. She said it didn’t matter really if I was a size 3 or a size 0 but I could tell that she wanted me to lose weight by her constantly telling me I wasn’t fat.

            She brought me to hang with all her skinny friends, and I felt really self conscious. I started eating less and jogging in the morning and after school. I saw an improvement in my weight almost immediately. I lost 5 pounds in the first week of hardcore workouts. I was on a diet, hardly eating, and immense working out and I lost a lot of weight. I started gaining muscle and the girls said muscle was gross so I became bulimic. I would eat a little less than what I normally used to eat, and then throw it all up afterwards. I got to a size 1 when my mom started noticing how skinny I was getting. She worked harder and bought lots of food, a lot of junk food too. She also asked Maura if Niall could come over every once in a while to check in on me. I didn’t like all the attention but the girls said I looked great.

            I hung out with the girls for a few months but I always felt like they were better than me. One day Niall came over, after not seeing me since before I met Brooke. He noticed how small and weak I was and felt like it was his fault for not being there for me, checking in on me every couple weeks. I insisted nothing was wrong and that he didn’t do anything wrong. I kept saying that it was a coincidence that I was losing weight. He didn’t buy it and started coming over more frequently and just eating with me. By the time I was a size 2 again the girls all left me and I was alone again. I didn’t care though; they would cause medical problems with me if I stayed with them any longer.

            When I was back to normal, I didn’t feel great but I knew I wouldn’t be worrying my mom anymore and that made me feel better. I loved how Niall could just fix anything. My first meal without throwing up afterwards was something Niall made for me; brownies and cookies that we shared for dinner one night. Ever since then, I’ve been insecure about my... everything. My face, body, personality, everything. It’s gotten better being with Niall but every once and a while I don’t eat for a day and I cry in the shower noticing how ‘jiggly’ I’ve become. It’s probably from all the jello but whatever.