Worthless Beauty L.S *Under Massive Editing*

T H I R T E E N

T H I R T E E N

I sit down nervously on the couch, this is the first session since I had talked about ninth grade. My heart was racing, I could practically hear it in my ears. "Baby." He says kissing my cheek and sitting down beside me.

I don't say anything just fiddle with the hem of my shirt. "You okay?" He asks.

"Nervous, is all." I say honestly.

"Why? You've talked to me before about these things, shouldn't make you nervous." He says patting my leg gently.

"I know." I look up at him as I take his hand and weave our fingers together. He kisses my knuckles.

"How are you feeling today?" He asks getting all professional.

"Fine." I say staring at our hands.

"Are you ready to talk about grade ten ?" I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It was..." I said trailing off not really wanting to say anything else. I hated grade ten.

"Take your time." He whispers.

"I... It was worse that the ninth." I finally say after ten minutes of silence. He looks at me sadly and squeezes my hand, a sign to continue. "I kept all of my emotions inside because I didn't think anybody wanted to hear it anymore. Especially my mum. I bet it was wonderful when her son told her he wanted to kill himself every single day."

"And how did keeping in your emotions in work out?"

"I was miserable." I let go of his and wrapped my arms around myself. "All I could think about is how I was how I was going to kill myself so nobody could find me." I didnt look at louis, I knew his eyes would be glossed over with tears and I honestly didnt want to see that right now.

I let out a shaky breath, "I actually made friends that year. Erm.. Twenty to be exact, but I hung out with five of them the most. I shared most classes with two and the one was the one who gave a thumbs up and the last two were in my piano class. They were the best." A small smile plays on my lips. "It was nice that no one knew about you but it was breaking me and I couldn't take, every night I was in bed in tears because it was all to over whelming. And it wasnt that I didn't want any of my friends to know I just didnt really trust them. They all had connections to my family and I knew if I told one of them rumors would spread and my mum would get all worried and probably would have sent me to a fucking mental ward or something."

Louis scoots closer to me and wraps his arms around me. He pulls me onto his lap and I stay silent for a few seconds just listening to him breathe, I always needed reassurance that this was real. Then I spoke, "I remember going to church one day." I whispered.

"You went to church?" He asks.

"Yeah. I remember the pastor preaching about a changing point and he told us that this was our last chance to go up to the alter and let everything out. My mind was telling me you don't have to go you can always do it at home but I felt my legs move towards the alter and I got on my knees and leaned over the alter and I prayed for the first time in a long time."

"Do you still pray?"

"Only sometimes, I feel like sometimes God hates me because he's letting all of this happen and sometimes I hate him because well I just can't take it."

"Can you tell me what you prayed about?"

"I prayed for my depression." I said quietly. "I remember two lady's sitting next to me and praying along next to me they asked if I wanted to talk about what was happening, I said no. So they just kept on praying and when I was done I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders."

"So your depression ended just like that?"

"I wouldn't really say ended more like was put on pause. I remember walking into my room and I catched a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw. I had relapsed."

"Relapsed?"

"Ana and Mia." I say touching my hipbones subconsciously.

"How?"

"My mind kept telling me you're so fat look at you- you fat pig and so I started with binging."

"Eating till you threw up."

"Yeah. Then-"

"Threw it up voluntary." I nodded.

"Then I just started skipping meals and exercising excessively and I knew it was alot but I needed to be skinny- I wanted to see my bones."

"And you can." He whispers pulling up my shirt up a bit and running his hands over my ribs.

"I wanted to be perfect. Though it never happened because I always say some fat on me despite my mum telling me that I was getting skinny-too skinny."

"You are perfect Harry." He says taking my hands. I turn around on his lap so that in straddling him -in a non sexual way though. He puts his hands on my face. "So perfect, though I wish you would eat a little more." I look away and his fingers just run down my face to my neck to my collarbone to my ribs and finally my waist.

"My life started to fall apart ... I mean it was never .. but yeah. My mind was repeating things other people used to say to me and I would believe it and get depressed." I sighed and looked at him. "There was this guy."

"You liked him?" He asks a hint of jealousy in his tone.

"I liked his eyes. They would turn grey when it was dark out." He looked down at his shirt till I said, "but I hated him." He looked up at me a bit surprised. "Every day he would tell me that I was fat and that I looked like a girl. Which pushed me even further and I started to burn again. I was a few months clean."

"Oh harry." He says kissing my scars and I smile just a little bit.

"I started to punch myself as well. I had ugly purple bruises all over my arms. It was my favourite form of punishment honestly. I'd punch my stomach when I ate to much or id hit my arms when I was frustrated with myself."

"Harry you could of torn something from the inside."

"Who knows." I shrugged not really caring.

"Harry." He said a bit annoyed and I could tell it was because of my attitude.

"I started helping people online and listening to their stories mad me even sadder but I was always happy to help. I prevented liam from killing himself in year nine. Though I didn't -" I said cutting myself off with a sob. He pulled me into a hug and kissed my temple quite a few times before I calmed down. "I just I hated tenth grade. It was pretend me. I had pretend friends."

"So you made up that you had friends?"

"No. I'm just saying they weren't really my friends. They were people I hung out with and that was it. I didn't tell them anything personal but listened to them tell me about there stupid horny sex life." He made a face.

"So none of them ment anything to you?"

"Only about four of them." I look at the clock an sigh in relief. "Our time Is up." I say getting off his lap but before I can take a step anywhere else he grabs a hold of my hand.

"But this isn't on the clock anymore Harry. You're having sessions for free now and I want you talk. I want to know everything. I already told you everything. There wasnt much to tell though. Just me drowning in myself hate."

"But I don't want to talk about my past anymore Louis." I say tears threating to come out.

"Then talk about now." He says pulling me back into his lap, only this time I'm facing side ways and my head is in the crook of his neck.

"Im happy." I lie.