You see, I have the options of moving to my mom's house which yes is a better environment but I want to stay with Zane. Zane wants me out of that house so bad yet I can't find the courage of leaving him alone. I also want to spend my entire life with him. Every little second I can. I understand that my life would be sort of better over at my mom's but I feel like my life would also get worse over there. Mostly, because I don't have Zane. Zane is what keeps me tied to this world. Without him I would be gone, there is no doubt about it. My depression has been getting worse, to the point where I couldn't promise my therapist if I would or would not kill myself. I also haven't been able to eat as much anymore. My normal sized meals make me throw up and even after a few bites I want to puke.
Let us also talk about the fact that I just want to always lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling until I wither away. Only becoming dust in the wind. Zane is yet again the only reason I get up, I just force myself to think of how happy I will be when I see him. How happy he will be. I have come to a conclusion that the reason I live is to make others happy. I, of course, might suffer because of this but I find it worth it. As long as I can see a smile on Zane's face everything will be worth it. The one thing that always seems to get me is how alone I feel without him. I could be surrounded by my other friends but I still feel empty. Another aspect to me not wanting to move. I hate feeling alone because well I get impulsive when I am alone. I sometimes sit in my room with a knife I stole in my hands and I just stare at it. I curse at myself for being such an idiot. For not being able to be even a few minutes away from Zane. My mind tells me to fight this. To throw the knife away into a far corner. My body doesn't obey though, my body knows to emotional damage I face and seems to want to protect me from the world by ending it. This is why I don't want to leave Zane, this is why I feel like living with my step-dad, although it might hurt, is the better option. I don't want to tell my mom this because she already put the papers in for me to live with her. This might be out of my control now, I just wanted to get my feelings out there. I just want people to know how many times I have had a knife to my neck ready to end it all but just a text from Zane made me stop. I wish I had meet Zane sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I had. Maybe I should stop trying to hide my real emotions behind a fake smile. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused. Maybe I wouldn't want to have killed myself last night. Maybe I wouldn't have been grateful I lost my favorite knife.
YOU ARE READING
Keith's diary ish
Randomsort of where I probably will write about my life. prepare that tissue box or to clap your hands. or just sit there and wonder what made you even start reading this.
