Keith's diary ish

Kind of sad

So I read the beginning of my diary. I must say that I seemed so much more full of life back then. I kind of wonder what when wrong in that span of time. Maybe it is because of how much things have been piling on. I get no more breaks in between the depressive waves. I am actually considering taking medicine for it. It might make me happier. I think the worst thing is that I tried to hurt myself when no one was awake, I couldn't feel the pain from the cut. I barely even bleed which is what I have always looked forward to. I look forward to it because it reminds me that I am human, even if everyone says I am not. I mean I have to be human, I look like one, try to act like one. Wait, I think I get it now. I don't act human enough for them. That is probably where I fall through on being lower than humans. I was even addressed as 'that', the word 'that' is probably worse than when I was called a freak. I think this place has made it official, I truly don't belong here. I might not even belong in this world but I won't know that until I become an adult. I will probably be arrested before then. More then likely, my sanity is going to snap before I get out of high school. I can already feel it slightly tearing with each day. 

Truly, I just want people to forget about me. I only cause pain and suffering to those near me, for those that can even remember me. I am like a plague. A plague that wants to kill even itself. I am aware of how much pain I cause, God I can't even decide what I truly want to do in my life. I only know that I want to try and help people. I seem to recently be doing quite the opposite though. I mean for crying out loud people on my bus try to pay me to fight others they don't like. Sure I snap at people sometimes but really I just play with them psychologically. Yes, I have gotten into many physical fights in my short time of life. I only win them though because most of the people focus on how hard you hit. I just focus on my speed, (which sometimes is exactly what I shouldn't do but oh well.)  I just don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't ever feel guilt or sympathy so what would even be the point? Half the time I mimic people's emotions. I only know when to feel guilt is because someone else looks like they are. 

Zane had even told me about something that should have made anyone upset but I didn't even understand why he told me. It seemed so small to me but I just thought of the logical reasoning behind it. Shouldn't I have felt bad for Zane? Shouldn't I have tried to reassure him? I can be such an idiot sometimes. The only thing I am really good at is anything that involves school work. If I even try to be good at the whole consoling people thing I fail. I am not good at all at being human. 

I am probably gonna die young. Most likely from someone beating me to death or shooting me because of something I said or did. I wish I was mentally okay. No one should want to ever have a mental disorder. They are horrible and effect almost everything you do in life. No one should ever want to just have depression. I know there are people out there like that. Don't ever try to get depression. You usually just always feel like something is either your fault, you are constantly tired, and you usually feel as if life is pointless. That is probably the worst way to live. Please whatever you do, do not even start to try and fake it. Soon enough your mind will probably start thinking it is true and next thing you know you actually have it. Just be grateful for being mentally normal. I would give anything for that right now but I have found that no matter how hard I try I always find my way back to drowning in the pit I have made. Just, please. Don't ever try to get it. Thank you for reading this far if you did. Good bye