Masks

Masks - Chp 14

I sighed wearily, running my fingers through my hair as I closed the front door behind me. Gavin had just dropped me off from school today and I felt exhausted, all I could honestly think about was what Carl and Chris had said to us today. The news left me breathless and utterly distraught, there was this aching gap within me and I just didn’t know how to feel or even how to react. A murder was still out there, loose and walking in amongst innocent people. How did the police have utterly no leads whatsoever?

I shook my head, feeling utterly exhausted. Since finding Georgie I had been pushing it all aside, pushing it down and out of thought. But now I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I fell apart. How was I meant to deal with this, how was anyone to know how to deal with this? I could go to a shrink but what words could they even give me that would be any constellation? It’s not like I could wipe that memory from my mind, if I could remove that memory, that visual of her wide vacant eyes staring up at me everything would be okay, I could cope. But I couldn’t remove it and that I would have to live with forever and by doing so I needed to forget it, I needed to push it all aside – that’s what I was doing.

I couldn’t help but note that Gavin could do that for me without even trying, I didn’t have to try to forget around him. Without even trying all was forgotten and all that haunting gut wrenching fear was taken away, Gavin made me feel happy, carefree and invincible. He was like a band aid, an anesthetic made specifically for me and I couldn’t deny that even if Gav and I would only ever be friends I’d be content with that, as long as he was in my life, as long as he gave me that feeling as if we were the only two people in the world I was happy.

Shaking my head as if to shake the thoughts aside I stepped through the house, walking into the kitchen to find my mum at the kitchen bench cooking something. She looked up at me at the sound of my footsteps and smiled broadly up at me, that motherly bright smile “Hey honey, how was school?” she asked eagerly.

I shrugged muttering an “Alright.”

Mum sighed heavily, wearily “I thought that was what I was going to hear.” She murmured softly, almost as if talking to herself.

It instantly caught my attention “What?” I couldn’t deny it held a little impatience in my voice; was there something bad I was going to hear? For one moment I just wanted to sit back and relax, bum around just for a bit and vege out. I wasn’t stupid, I knew once I stopped and could breathe my thoughts will soon cloud my entire mind, but maybe that was a good, maybe I needed that?

Mum smiled at me softly, almost sadly “Look honey, I bit my tongue and gave you these days to wrap your mind around things.” She said smiling warmly, I nodded taking a seat on the stool by the kitchen island “But you aren’t dealing with things and it’s not working.”

I shook my head; almost fiercely “I don’t want to see a shrink.”

Mum nodded “I know, I know.” She soothed me holding up her hands reassuringly “You don’t have to see a counselor honey; I wouldn’t force those things upon you.” She murmured softly “Besides, I know you. If I force you to do something you’ll resist it and fight, I’ve got to let you decide and pray it’s the best decision.” She murmured giving me a rueful glance with a twitched lip.

I smiled faintly looking down at the granite counter with speckled patterns covered with cooking ingredients and scattered out flour, I knew she was right, she was my mother after all. “So what do you want me to do?” I murmured softly, drawing patterns and images into the flour on the counter top.

My mum crouched down over the counter, bobbing down so her gaze could meet mine “I want you to talk to me honey.” She cooed “Your father and I and everyone else that loves you is worried about you, and I don’t know if you know this,” she began her lips tipping faintly at the side “but we’re here sweetie, every step of the way.”