Anatomy of a Broken Heart {(Joshler AU)}

Reflections are Weird as Hell.

"But we're about to fall through the floor. so i run and lock the door. so maybe then you'll see what we're all fighting for."

TW

-Brian Curry

Tylers POV/

"Please don't cry, Josh." I whispered. The yellow haired boy sat there with tears slowly rolling down his face. He was staring at his shaking hands with a look of confusion. "Josh, calm down." he shook his head, eyes searching the room as if he was lost in thought. in a trance.

Suddenly both of his hands reached up to tangle themselves in his hair. knuckles turning white as he pulled at it whilst baring his teeth. "Josh, you need to calm down." I told him. Don't cry Josh. Please don't be upset.

His whole body started vibrating, trembling like a scared puppy and it broke my heart. I reached my hand out and lightly touched the soft fabric of the shirt that covered Josh's right shoulder. "Josh, honey, you need to sit down and-"

Just then. a sudden noise interrupted my sentence. The sound of Josh kicking the bed frame underneath me. "Gah!" I exclaimed in shock. "......" He mumbled something.

wait

wait a minute

WAIT

"What?" I asked him. Completely forgetting about the tears running down the pale boy's cheeks. He shook his head. I understood. it was a mistake. people make mistakes, right? But the tears still hadn't let up and the shaking was only left to his hands. He bent over then almost, almost as if he had been shot and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Josh, come here." I whispered. "Come here and sit down." I told him firmly. He didn't respond. he just stood there holding himself all together.

"I'll come to you, then." i said with a hint of cockiness in my voice. I stood up, rising from the mattress and pulled the slightly shorter, yet more muscular, boy to my chest. His body tensed at once, but relaxed after a moment of breath being held because neither of us knew what was happening and neither of us knew what to do about it.

After a couple of seconds, i felt a strong pair of arms wrap around my torso and i sighed. "Josh you'll be okay. It will all be okay." I started leisurely running my fingers through the bright yellow hair of the boy i had grown to know as my only friend. "s-sorry." I heard him whisper quietly from my shirt. it was barely loud enough for me to hear but i heard it. "Don't be sorry, Josh. You're allowed to cry around me." He shook his head quickly, wrapping his arms around me tighter.

"No."

"Why not?" I asked him. Everybody needs to cry. They'll explode if they don't. Is that what's happening now? is Josh finally blowing up?

"B-because i am n-not s-s-s-supposed t-t-o." He croaked. The voice was louder this time. It was beautiful, though. The deepness only reminded me that i've never heard Josh speak, and it only made me hold him tighter. It was raspy and underused, but i could hear what used to have been the most velvety soft voice mankind has ever heard.

"What do you mean, you're not supposed to?" I asked. confusion quickly drowning out any other facial features. His bottom lip retreated in between his teeth and he shook his head. "Im just saying t-tyler." He said. "I can't." His hands started shaking again as he buried his face in my face. Calmness washed over me in a wave as i heard the larger boy slowly return to an untroubled state.

//TIME TO SAY GOODBYE JUST CAME ON SO BE READY.//

"You'll be okay, Josh." I crooned to him and leaned backwards back onto the bed, taking him down with me. the only thing he did then was just shoving his head further to my chest. "You always have." I whispered before I fell asleep.

Josh's POV

Okay. So you understand where i'm coming from, right? I talked. Big deal. Stop freaking out about it because it's not going to happen very much if this is what's gonna happen when i do. "You'll be okay, Josh." Tyler said, wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders and pulling me to the bed. I loved the way his chest cushioned mine and the smell of his neck made me exhale with content. "You always have." He whispered and i felt the weight of his head going limp.

"Goodnight, Tyler." I whispered quietly into the soft skin of his neck. After i was sure he was in a deep enough sleep to leave, i slowly and carefully pulled myself out of his grasp and retreated into my bathroom.

I stared myself in the mirror with a blank face. I absolutely hated everything about looking into a mirror but i did it once a day because i'm just that dumb. "Look at you." I whispered to myself, narrowing my eyes at my reflection. "You piece of shit."I whispered again, smiling to myself. "Congrats on breaking the one promise you ever made yourself." I lectured the person staring back at me. Those eyes stared back with loathing and despise as i criticized every little flaw i could find in my reflection.

I gave myself a thumbs up with a small smile and sauntered over to the toilet, staring down at it. There was another mirror above the toilet for some reason. I never found the energy to take it down so i just kind of left it there. It wasn't hurting anybody.

But i was.

I hurt Tyler. I make him feel bad for me, i made him go on the damn walk that ended up with his boyfriend assaulting him AND me. I brought him around my crazy life and all of the horrid things that come with it.

And i deserved what came next.

I looked down at the porcelain bowl that was almost in contact with my legs.  i looked back up at my reflection. I noticed the eyes of the person staring back were almost glassy. blank. hopeless. It's mouth was open, even though i don't remember opening it in the first place. I watched a hand- my hand, reach up to my chapped lips and slowly push two fingers inside. //NOW THAT IM TYPING THIS IM REGRETTING MY DIRTY MIND VERY MUCH SO.// As i looked over my reflection again i realized the person in the mirror wasn't me. It wasn't MY yellow hair that was twisted in knots on top of my head, color fading. It wasn't MY hand that was providing the uncomfortable feeling of intrusion in my throat. It wasn't MY eyes staring back at me as I watched, transfixed as the length of the persons fingers disappeared in their mouth, between peeled lips.

It was odd, feeling the urge to gag when you weren't the one gagging yourself. I doubled over the toilet, mouth opened as fingers worked to clear whatever was in my stomach. I made a noise in the back of my throat. I dry-heaved into the porcelain beneath me, staring into the clear water, knowing it was going to fill with my stomach's contents soon.

After a minute of choking on my own fingers i fell forward, I used the top of the toilet to hold some of my weight, while the rest was held on my shaky legs. Don't fail again. I told myself. 

The fingers worked faster, pushing to the back of my throat where i felt the urge to choke wash over me, making my stomach churn. This isn't working... i thought to myself as i stared at the teary person in the mirror. "Why are you crying?" I asked it. Laughing because i knew exactly why. I watched the all too familiar boy look back at me with the same smile, it laughed at the same time i did. "Fuck you." I told it before it shoved the fingers down my throat again.

I felt the heat build in my stomach and i felt the burn of the acid on my tongue as i retched into the porcelain underneath me, once again using the top for support as my body shed the small meal from earlier today.

Staring up at the mirror above me, i flushed without looking and moved over to the sink to wash my hands.

"Fucking hell." I whispered.