JaDine Visuals

"Oks Lang ako"

DISCLAIMER: I personally think that the actual Gio from the trailer and everything isn't actually this nice. In fact, he's a bit of an a-hole. But let's pretend to be sympathetic and actually like him here? Okay HAHAHA. Also, I apologise if Joanne seems like a bit of a female dog dito. She's probably not like that in the actual movie. I recommend listening to Jroa's "Oks Lang" while reading this. 

Saan na 'to patungo

Hindi ko na kasi alam

Hinahanap ang sagot sa bakit

Hindi ko na kasi alam

"Gio, lagi nalang tayo nagaaway. Bakit pa tayo nandito? Bakit pa ako nandito? Di na naman ako masaya."

She was spitting out nothing but the truth but is it such a bad thing for me to be in denial of that? To be in denial of the fact that I wasn't enough to make her happy and that at the end of the day her career came first?

She was right though. All we did was fight. It was a constant cycle of her crying to me, telling me that she was no longer happy here in London and of me throwing back that she was selfish. Fights full of not only broken glasses, but broken hearts too. A broken relationship too, but denial is key.

Could you blame me? All my life, i've been a bum, someone who was never taken seriously. I was never one of those people that girls would be proud to take home to their parents. Not until now.

Timing has something against me though. The moment I finally find myself thriving in my career, my love can't thrive with it.

"Do you hear how selfish you sound right now?"

There it goes again. That line. That line that I know I shouldn't say but don't realise my mistake until I see the immense hurt in her eyes, mixed with the impatience, the irritation and angst she's been dealing with lately. Because of me.

And so she throws back another line I've heard before -

"Selfish? Bago tayo mag-London, may promotion na sana ako! Tapos ako pa yung selfish? Wow."

An endless cycle, i'm telling you. An endless cycle that one day will come to its end. One way or another.

Hindi ka na nakikinig
Hindi ka na kinikilig
Hindi ka na natutuwa
'Pag may pasalubong na isaw

"Love! I brought you home isaw! Paborito mo to, right? Love?"

No answer.

I looked through the rooms of our apartment, food and a bouquet of roses in my hand, only to find no sign of Joanne.

So I texted her.

I look to the food and flowers. Oh.

I try not to dwell on the fact that she never said it back.

Nagbago na ang lahat sa'yo
Nagbago na ang lahat pati ang tayo
Nagbago na ang 'yong tingin
Ang 'yong ngiti, ang 'yong nararamdaman

A saturday night in with movies, snacks and cuddling was something we both had become accustomed to. It was part of our weekly schedule. Not a saturday went by where we missed it.

It was something we needed. Taking long shifts and working hard day and night didn't leave you a lot of time.

But something changed.

There was less excitement, less of a sparkle in her eye when I reminded her or when we talked about it. What was once a bright sparkle was slowly dimming as time progressed.

I ignored it. Maybe she was just tired. Right? Long shifts can do that to you, yeah?

But then there was something else.

She took longer shifts on saturdays. Shifts that would clash with the time that we usually set for ourselves. Shifts that would really tire her to the point that by the time she got home, all she had energy for was a clipped greeting, short steps to our couch where she fell straight asleep.

But I was always there. Always there to put her head on my shoulder, softly lay a blanket on her and say, "It's okay, Love. Next week nalang."

I reassured her when really the only person who needed reassurance was me.

Ang gusto ko lang naman ay
Yakapin mo ako
Kahit hindi na totoo

I cuddle her to me.

"I love you. We can make it here in London. I promise."

She tensed. Was I actually making a promise? Or was I reassuring myself?

"Yeah. You will, love. You'll make it."

She tilts her head to smile up at me. Although, anyone with a pair of eyes would see right through it. It was forced.

I tried to ignore that she said "You", not "we". I ignore because that's all i'm good at, right?

I hugged her to me just a little bit tighter and waited for her to do the same.

You guessed it. She never did.

Maiintindihan naman kita
Kung sawa ka na, kung sa'n ka sasaya
'Wag kang mag-alala
Oks lang ako

I cooked dinner tonight. Joanne's been tired lately. Whether it's fatigue from work or from me, i'm not quite sure. Let's just tell ourselves it's not the latter. Denial is key, remember?

I cooked the same thing I always cooked. I guess you could say my culinary skills didn't match up to my skills in graphic designing. We can't have everything.

I set the table too, trying to cut down the list of things Joanne had to do.

Once I finished setting dinner, I went to our room to get her for dinner, only to find her sleeping. Something she's been doing often. Longer shifts meant less time together. But even in that minimal amount of time we had with each other, not a lot of communication was done. Just silence.

Silence that really conveys, "Tapusin na natin to, ano pa ba ginagawa natin?"

I knew I had to wake her up. I also knew that when she woke up, she wouldn't be in the best mood. But when was she ever in the best mood around me? Lately, at least.

"Love? I made dinner." I shaked her shoulder lightly.

"Ano? I'm trying to sleep, ano ba?"

"I made dinner, you know it's bad to skip meals."

Moments later, she finally got up.

I followed slowly behind her to the dining room. No words spoken.

Lost in my own thoughts, I bump into her, not realising that she had come to an abrupt stop. What happened? 

"Alam mo, di naman ako choosy pag dating sa pagkain pero omelette nanaman? Sawang sawa na ako sa omelette e."

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Cook her something else? Or do I dwell on the fact that it wasn't really the omelette she was sick of?

It was us. The constant cycle of arguments and toxicity.

A cycle that would soon come to its end.

A promise broken. 

END

Authors note:

Hiiiiii @justeffitall HAHAHAHA dis for you.