JaDine Visuals

Wishful thinking

Hi mga friends! This is my first time writing or trying angst so bear with me, please!

I pretend that I can still feel your arms, snug and tightly wrapped around me.

I pretend that I can still feel the evidence of your sleep as your shallow, even breaths fall upon my neck.

I pretend that you still unconsciously nuzzle your nose in the small but safe space where my neck and shoulders meet.

I pretend that I can still smell your unique scent. Manly but sweet and comforting. A scent I had found immense safety in.

I pretend that you still lay firm but gentle kisses upon my hair before lulling yourself into sleep, something you often did to tell me you loved me, without any need of verbalising it because quiet but loud gestures of love had become our thing. Loud because they spoke what we couldn't put into words.

I pretend that you still pull me closer to you, even in your unconscious and sleeping state.

I pretend that my heart isn't torn into pieces at the thought of what I no longer have.

I pretend that I'm fine. Although, we both know that I'm fine directly translates to No, my heart feels like it's been dropped into a pile of broken glass, the pain becoming excruciating as I continue to live my life with those tiny shards permanently in there.

I pretend.

Because ever since that night, it never seems to stop replaying in my mind. In my thoughts, in my dreams, pretending is all I seem to be able to do.

Because pretending somewhat takes away one of the many tiny specs of glass piercing my chest.

Despite these shards of glass piercing my heart, my heart feels hollow. Hollow because no one will ever be able to fill it up with joy and love. Not the way you did, at least.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as lucky as I was that night.

Sometimes I wish I could've at least gotten amnesia, as ungrateful as that sounds, so that I wouldn't have to deal with pain of remembering every single detail of that night.

I wouldn't have to deal with knowing every single detail, big and small, about you, about us.

Because with remembering you and our time together comes with the pain of no longer having you. The pain of no longer being able to create memories with you by my side.

If I had forgotten everything, I wouldn't be plagued with happy dreams of our moments together. For what was once a happy memory turned into a nightmare of that fateful, unforgettable night on a constant loop.

That unforgettable night where I had lost another loved one.

Except you weren't just a loved one. You were meant to be my future, Gio.

You were meant to eventually become my husband. That Godforsaken tattoo on your back, your proposal in your very own handwriting, reminded us of that every single day.

I've been hurting. Hurting so much that my eyes have become a drought of tears. I had cried so much, I no longer have anything else to give.

But hurting isn't anything foreign to me. What's foreign is not having the option of going to you for comfort. Not having the option of running into your arms as you soothe me.

I got another tattoo, you know? And it killed, Gio. It hurt so much. Not because the needle was breaking and piercing my skin. No, it didn't hurt physically.

You know why? Because it wasn't your hand on that needle, Gio. It wasn't you. And it will never be again.

But it was something I had to do. In memory of the person who turned my life upside down. In memory of you. Because before you, I was alive but I was never really living. No, not until I walked into Squid Ink.

Yes, I walked in for the wrong reasons, at first. Call me a hopeless, sappy romantic but as soon as I laid my eyes on the man who I fell so recklessly but wholly in love with, everything became right again.

Now freshly imprinted on the left side of my back, exactly where you had your proposal tattoo, are words that held so much important to us and our love story. Tattooed on my back were the last words you uttered to me before we stepped onto your bike, but also the first words to ever make me feel such security and happiness.

Written in black, permanent, cursive ink, in my very own handwriting was —

Never not love you

Because despite all the pretending I do as a cry for help or as a way to move on, there is one thing that will remain true -it is that I will never, ever not love you.

All this wishful thinking of having you wrapped around me, by my side, may or may not always be there.

But one thing's for sure, Gio. It will always be You and me, Ikaw at ako. Just like we both had imprinted on our wrists.

You may be physically gone. But I will never not love you. And I believed you when you said that you'd never not love me.

You and me

Ikaw at ako

End ~

Hello! I'm sorry if I hurt you, or if I disappointed you by not hurting you LMAO I tried, but this is my first time attempting angst. Shout out to justeffitall for fixing some grammar mistakes! Thank you for reading!