Fully Alive (Chris Motionless Fanfic)

In Her Head

  "Alice, baby, you need to talk to someone." Chris pleaded with me. I ignored him and continued washing the dishes left from dinner that Chris had neglected. "Alice I know they're getting worse. You need to get help." Chris said, shutting off the water.

  I turned to face him. "Chris, I've got you and the guys. I don't need anyone else's help, okay?" He frowned in response, and I sighed and hugged him. "Baby, I don't need a therapist, okay? You, and Ricky, and Ryan, and Angelo, and TJ are all basically my therapists anyways."

  "I know but we can't prescribe you meds, like you need." he argued. "Why do you need meds?" Jacob asked as he walked in. "Mom's sick." Chris lied. Well, it wasn't a full lie. I was sick, just in my brain.

  I've been hearing voices for awhile now, but just told Chris within the last few days. He's been very worried about me, and I guess I understand why. The only problem is, he doesn't even know what they say. If he knew, he would really be worried...

  The voices, the ones in my head, they tell me I'm worthless, I'm pathetic, I'm nothing. They tell me that no one loves me, and they wish I were dead. They tell me to cut, and to kill myself...

  "Sick how?" Jacob asked. "She looks okay to me." Chris looked at me to explain, which I did. "It's a special kind of sickness, it isn't a sickness you can see usually. It's a sickness you can hide, and no one would ever know."

  "What's it called?" Jacob asked me. "It's called 'It's after your bedtime.'" Chris said, and Jacob pouted. "Moooooooom!" Jacob protested. I laughed, hugged him, and gave him a gentle push toward the door. "Good night Jacob!"

  He left, and I let out a sigh of relief. I turned the water in the sink back on to continue dishes, but Chris shut it back off. "Really, Chris? I need to get these done so I can go to bed, I'm tired."

  "Then I'll do them." Chris said, pulling me out of the way and taking over. I folded my arms over my chest as he said, "Alright, I'll make you a deal. We'll give it some time, no therapist. Things get better, we let it go. If not, you get help. Fair?"

  I sat on the counter next to him as I considered the deal. I had to remind myself he was doing this because he cares about me. "Fine," I submitted, "we have a deal." I sat with him in silence while he finished the dishes, and when he was done, he came over and hugged me, and I could feel the warmth of his tears on my shoulder, so I hugged him tighter.

  "Baby it's okay." I told him. "I'm just so worried about you..." he whispered. "I don't want you to hurt yourself or something worse..." I looked him in his teary, chocolate brown eyes as I said, "Chris Cerulli, I love you. Everything will be okay." I wish I had known then I was lying to him.

***The next morning***

  "Babe. Alice. Wake up." I growled and pulled the blanket over my head, and it was pulled away from me almost immediately. "Whaaaaaaaat?!" I cried. "It's Balz." I sat up with lightning speed.

  "What about Balz?" I snapped. "He's dead." Chris told me, and I really wasn't sure if he was upset or not. Chris just seemed.....numb. I frowned. "What happened to him?" I asked. "He killed himself."