Our Escape

Hurt

Since the day I started avoiding my nightmares by not sleeping, my life became a living hell.
Insomnia is painful, it is tiring, it is frustrating and sometimes, it becomes really hard for a person to deal with it.

I was just 10 yrs old when the accident took place, though my dad didn't die but it feels as if he died long time back, everything feels so empty without him. Nothing remained same without him, no one calls me princess, no one calls me sweety. It was just him, the way these nicknames sounded from him felt very soothing and familiar...
I remember, my dad used to take me to forest, Canada has the most mesmerizing forests, we used to stay there late and enjoyed the view of the exquisite and mesmerising sky above us. We used to talk a lot, from the most random thing to the most serious thing, we always had a lot to talk.
I was different from others, my taste, my likes, everything was different and I guess everyone didn't like that.
I was a little weird as I always wore black clothes, a colour which gave me happiness, a colour which was considered negative for others but I couldn't help it, black was my happy colour, I think in black, I have obsession with black and I didn't want to change that, people around me always told me that black isn't a colour, it is colourless, they told a lot of negative things about my different liking, I was no less than a tomboy, everyone around me criticized me for not acting like a decent girl, for not following the specific 'norms' which the society has made for girls.

Dad was always there for me, he told me that I don't need to change myself for people. He told me that I was unique, he told me that there is nothing wrong to have different likes, he always told me to live my life the way I want to and not in the way society wanted me to live... That's what I still do, earlier I used to get influenced by people but now it's different now I don't care about what people think about me.

That forest was like our hide out, dad used to take me there every Sunday, it was like 'our place'.
Even mom didn't know about it, all she knew was that we used to go out for some walk every Sunday.
He was never a bad dad, he was great, though he was really busy but he always took out time for us, he knew that as I had no siblings I needed company and he thought that it was his responsibility to make me feel loved, to make me feel that I am not alone and well he did a great job, I on the other hand was selfish and miserable, I always looked for my comforts, because of my selfishness and immaturity, dad is in comma...
It feels so abominable to know that I, out of all the people was the reason for dad's condition!
We were so seraphic before, we were one complete happy family but I guess life isn't all that easy. We used to tease mom a lot, we always paired up against her and made fun of her, she always got so annoyed, I and dad were like mischevious children together, we were always creating nuisance. Mom was just mom...
She took care of both of us, just because I and dad always paired up against her doesn't mean that I don't love her, it's just that our bonds were different, she was all I had after the accident, she is eccedentesiast, she hides all her pain behind her smile, it was like something got lost after the accident, she was so supportive, she always tried to console me, she gave me assurance that I was not the reason for dad's condition.
I was messed up, she knew that she needed to be strong for me, she knew that I had nightmares, it was very hard for her to see her only child in such condition. She tried everything she could, she made appointments with counsellors for me, she took out time from her busy schedule, she tried her best to distract me, to get me involved in other things so that I don't overthink about that accident.
She herself was broken, she was lonely, she was dealing with a lot of things.
Since the day dad went in comma, our financial condition got more and more unstable...
After all these problems, she always smiled, she never made me feel that our financial condition wasn't good, she just wanted me to get over that trauma, she wanted me to become independent, she just wanted to make me happy...
I wish I was like her, I should have been there for her during that time but I was so selfish. I should have been a support for her but all I became was a messed up child. I felt like a burden to her. I wish things could change, I wish I could go back in time and make everything perfect but I can't ...
I have to accept the bitter truth of life, I have to stop dwelling on what went wrong and need to focus on what to do next, I can't reach for anything new if my hands are still full of yesterdays junk . I just have to accept what happened and continue living.
Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better...

The only thing which dragged me out of that trauma was 'memories'. I realised that to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.
That's what I did, I started thinking about the good times and not the bad ones, I tried finding reasons to smile and that's the only thing which helped me. Whenever I was unable to sleep, I would think about the joyful days of my life, the days before the accident and gradually I would drift to sleep...
I tried my best and I guess I was doing good lately. Though I still get nightmares but they aren't that frequent.

"I ...I can't handle this" Sam's voice brought me back to reality, I didn't know that I zoned out.

"Please ...please leave me alone,I don't need anyone's help, it was stupid of me to come with you. Please, just leave"

"Sam...don't push me, please let me in...I want to help you, I can understand your condition " I said this with tears in my eyes, I was really hurt by remembering my past and Sam's words were making it even more worse for me.

"No you don't, you don't understand my condition , you can never understand my condition, no one can!!!" Sam was shouting on top of his lungs, he was torn, I could see the pain in his eyes, I myself was trying really hard to keep calm but I was failing miserably, I needed to be strong but I wasn't able to.

"I can't do this, I can't handle this". Furiously, he stood up from bed and started making his way out of the room, just as he was about to leave he turned around and said," Don't follow me, I don't need your sympathy, I don't need your support, just stay away from me"

With that, he stormed out of the room, leaving me in a mess, by making me realize that I was nothing but junk, useless, torn and the same miserable girl I used to be...