Our Escape

Guilt...

Rest of the day passed in a blur, Sam is really sweet innocent and of course, how can I forget to mention, he is a Marvel fan!!!! Well, this made me really happy and not to miss, he is a really good company.

As the movie ended, I realized that it was 10'o clock, it was getting really dark, though I don't even get scared after watching the deadliest horror movie but I being alone in the dark doesn't really end good so I am really thankful that at least I am not alone.

"Hey, it's getting late, let's go to sleep, you look really tired"

Sam just nodded in response. I showed him the room in which he could sleep and told him that I will just stay there until he falls asleep.

I was sitting on the floor and was stroking his hair and slowly his eyes closed, I didn't even realise when I fall asleep, with me sitting on the floor and my head rested upon my hands on the bed.

Suddenly Sam sat up and started screaming, he was shaking, his eyes were bloodshot, his condition terrified me, I got really scared. At first I thought it was another anxiety attack but when he kept on repeating that it was a really bad nightmare, that's when I realized his condition
"Why don't you take deep breaths and try sleeping again? See, I am here only, nothing will happen to you" I said this while stroking his cheeks, but then Sam looked down at the floor, he was hesitating but then he finally spoke,
"I...I can't sleep...I rarely sleep and whenever I do...I get nightmares, nightmares that are horrible, that...that never let me sleep again"

I slowly absorbed his words, I realized that tears were escaping from my eyes.
Sam had insomnia which means sleeping sickness, I couldn't believe it, that is so much for such a young boy, everything felt so familiar, I felt Déjà vu.
I remember, when I was young I got nightmares, not just nightmares, I had recurring nightmares...

Flashback

(10 years back)

"Mom, my vacations have just started... We should go on a trip...
Maybe Disneyland?"

"Honey, just because you have vacations doesn't mean that I and your dad also have a vacation, I can afford to take a leave from my job but I don't think your dad can, he is really busy...
We will go some other day."

"No...no mom, dad is always going to be busy at least let me ask him once...
I really want to go to Disneyland, please mom...please..."

"Fine! I will just call him, you can ask yourself"

"Hello sweety...is everything alright? Why did you call during my working hours?"

"Hi dad...everything is alright, I just wanted to ask you a question, I know you are really busy and you work really hard for us but please, can you take leave from your work, I want to go to Disneyland, please dad don't say no..."

"I will take a leave sweety, I know it's your dream to go to Disneyland and I want to you to live your dream, I know that I have not been a good dad lately as I am not there for you everytime, I am always involved in work but this time I am not going to upset you, we are surely going to Disneyland"

"Oh my god! Thank you so much daddy, I will just tell this to mom, we need to start packing, bye dad, love you!"

"Love you too princess, bye..."

"Mom, we are going to Disneyland in just 2 days, dad is going to take a leave for me, start packing, we dont have time!!"

"Calm down Macy, I know you are very excited but we have a lot of time to pack, don't worry now go finish your meal"

"Okay mom!"

(2 days later)

"Hurry up mom or else we will miss our flight!"

"Just one minute!"

"Macy, get in the car, your mom will come, we won't miss the flight, sit down sweety".

"Okay dad".

" Alright I locked the house and checked everything now we can go"

"Finally!, you made it mom, great job, dad start driving fast!"

"Okay sweety, here starts our journey to Disneyland!"

(After few minutes)

"Dad, increase the speed of the car, we will never reach on time if we go on this speed...hurry up dad!!!"

"Okay, oka...."

Suddenly a drunk driver brings a car into their way and their cars collide.

"Ahh....my head, dad...dad wake up,daddy wake up, please don't die, you...you can't die, I am nothing without you, dad wake up!!!!..."

(End of flashback)

My dad went in comma because of that accident, I cannot help feeling guilty, it was all because of my silliness, if I wouldn't have forced my dad to overspeed then he wouldn't have been in this condition, though my mom always tells me that it is not my fault but I don't believe her, I have to live with this burden all my life, I haven't heard my dad's voice since 10 yrs!
Though I was able to come out of this trauma within few years but that left a deep imprint in my life, I was no longer a carefree girl, rather I became an over thinker and trust me, overthinking is very deadly, I overthink to a level that I start hallucinating which is really unhealthy for mental peace.

I am trying to calm myself even now, I remember that period of my life, recurring nightmares are far worse than normal nightmares and in my nightmares, I always end up losing my parents, I remember being an introvert during that time who had no social life and would always keep quiet, my classmates always teased me and called me a 'nerd', well I kind of was a nerd after all nerds don't have a social life and so did I, I was really young and didn't take a stand for myself, with my fears, but to say honestly, I wasn't dealing with my fears, I was finding methods to avoid confronting them and well I did accomplish that by avoiding sleep, by not experiencing nightmares and indeed, I myself invited this 'dreadful' disease - Insomnia...