The Words That Helped To Hold Me Together

Sustinere

To hold up from below. Even though bone protrudes through my legs and blood rushes through the wounds and it's causing me to cry, I'll still keep trying to raise you up high. Even though my lungs are being flattened and the oxygen isn't reaching my brain causing me to fade, I'll still breath for you no matter how hard I struggle and no matter how hard I want to just give up and drop dead. Even though my spine is bending and the disks are displacing and I can hear the bones snapping, I'll keep holding you up and sustaining the weight of the world and enduring this suffering.

You don't need to worry about the war inside my head or the or the tears that I shed because if I wasn't holding you up from below the depths I'd feel dead inside and I would have already sunk so deep I'd never see light again. I will continue to breathe while my cracked ribs pierce my lungs, while blood pours from my wounds, and while my mind fights for its sanity in the disastrous reality it can't stop creating for itself. All I have to do is stop looking back on darker times and continue to hold you up high so that together we can reach from the depths to the sky.

I find myself asking if I will ever be okay or if I will ever recover from this destruction and to tell you the truth I think I can. I think once I've endured the worst you still be waiting for me and I think that if you were in my position you would do the same, no matter how easy it seems to just turn back, let go, sink, think about oblivion and how you won't need to struggle any more. Either way, even with all this pain and even wth all this damage done to us we can still be okay. We can still find the beauty in each others crooked smiles or scar riddled skin or war torn minds.

I think about how life is so fragile and about how I could lose it without expecting it but it doesn't mean I can just not try. Even experiencing a single moment where the layer of grey over my vision fades away so that I can stay happy with you would make any amount of pain worth feeling. I think my character is revealing itself to me in a way I couldn't see it before because the course layer on top just broke off. But even though I feel unprotected and exposed and even though I feel pained and unsustained, it doesn't matter. I will continue to selflessly support that which feels equal or greater pain because it would be wrong to just turn away. My heart and brain would break in half without any hope to piece back together otherwise.

Though life tries, it seems, each day to tear me to pieces because I can't stop struggling with myself and my head keeps hurting and decaying, destroying itself senselessly, it won't get to me. I want to stay and maybe be normal or what ever that even means. I want to smile and feel stable and I know that if I keep pushing you through the greyest of days it will be worth it in the end. There will be an end and it scares me because I used to want it to be now to stop my struggle, but now I want to struggle and feel fear so that I have a reason to be here. The reason I don't want my end to come is because of you so never forget that I will never regret any amount of anguish sustained, I will sustain you no matter how far away from me you feel.