Pls Realize

Nothing and I

3:00 am

     The clock will forever haunt me... every morning since that day... I keep waking up at the same time...

     Gaia, the mother earth... it is independent by nature and like independent people, it will cut off the toxic people. When will it destroy us? Why are we still here? Perhaps we have become a part of it although like cancer, spread rapidly and threaten its life. Maybe thats what natural disasters are for...

     Natural disasters... the memory of my parents are dyed eternally to my hippocampus. They supported my nihilistic nature though they could gave been labeled as losers and incompetent individuals. I miss them like how I miss my kindergarten days before Jefferson. Before the befriending, clinging, forgiving and bullying.

     They understood me... they acknowledged me... They loved me..? What is love, what is sanity, intelligence and power. All mean nothing to me as I mean nothing to this world. But the tragedy repeats itself over and over again on my mind.

     Nothing... such a comforting companion. It reminds me of the black curtain of space itself, the abyss, the darkness and the infinite time of a fall in such a debatable topic. Where will the abyss take me this time? In the dark corner of my past or my ever so dim future?

     It cradles me and sings me the song of the fallen ones. The sweet voice of nothing is accompanied by the beeps of the sirens and the howling wind. The day of their deaths...

     Up until now, I can never understand how everything became nothing. Not vecause of me but because of the insintric value of the universe itself.

    The earth tumbled and split apart. Two soulmates at the end of each side of the splitting island fell over only to pity itself at the sight of the other side. Its majestic wings were torn and knew not of gravity... it knew of anti gravity. The other felt empathy as it withered in the pain of the otherbyet the other felt antipathy as it hated seeing the other in pain... for the sake of love they fell apart but for the sake of hate they will reemerge as one once again.

    No one knows the struggle of an orphan more than a childless parent yet we choose to stay indifferent to suffering.

     Isnt there anything we feel, anything we think or anything at all we can apply to the real world for it to grow. Why do we destroy? Is it the only thing we know?

     "Go back to sleep." My aunt awoke to the sound of my tears... its been 15 years since my late parents were replaced by her. Though they never met, she reminded me of my late father.

     My last memory with him was his shelter from the cold, uncaring earth... his last teaching for the last person he saw. Her sibling was my mother... I dont remember anything else but the voive of an angel cradling me in the warmth of a womb, she died due to complications of childbirth but I never really acknowledged they died. Sometimes... I see them in my dreams in the light and darkness.

     "Im sorry, I spaced out again... my parents, remind me of them please..."

     "Your mother looked just like you, she was beautiful and daring in everyway. She always got in trouble for debating with any form of authority, may it be our parents or teachers but she was unlike any other girl. But she never really cared about physical appearance and when she moved out from the house, got sick because of her absent minded tendencies... that was until she met your father. Funny thing was though, she would send me letters about how she utterly despised him. But then at the same time she wrote about a lover boy whom she loved and loved her, she thought the feeling was mutual until she discovered how he was romantic with everyone. She didnt come out of her dorm for weeks until your father helped her with everything. Soon after that they eloped. They were the cutest couple, the outgoing and eccentric girl dating the introverted genius. Everyone knew they would get married eventually and they did soon after they finished college. They did their own things, our mother was a CEO and your father was a physicyst, but at the end of the day, I would receive letters from your mother stating how in love they were. Then they had you. It was a bittersweet day... but at the end your father held his pride high.   I knew that for a fact as what your mother told me, he was a grounded man and he succeeded. You are part of both of them, though they left this world, you are there to honor the kind of people they were by living your life how you want to. Freedom in thought, word and action was their motto, it shouldnt neccessarily be yours, but please remember that."

     "Thank you..."

     "Okay, i'll wake you up later, you still have a library to visit right?"

     "Yes."

     "Sleep tight."

     No one can understand the pain of nothing because in nothing there is the abyss containing infinite things, therefore nothing. Nothing... at all.

     I wonder how Jeff felt when he realized that he had bullied an orphan... as well as the other kids... that day pains me... oh how they murdered my name, aunt Lizz had to spill everything to them. But I never needed their pitty...

     In the end, everyone is just a dark void, vessles of emotion resulting to actions triggered by chemicals. But here I lay as nothing in the face of this cold and umcaring planet.

5:am

     I feel numb... the ghosts of my pasts still haumt me and leave me for dead in the face of strangers. How I wish I understood jumanity in general and specifically... must I hack into the government I shall. But my fear of chains and the monsters that haunt me will forever limit me though I am capable of soaring high... may death come across me if it really does promise the land of incomprehendable beings.

     And so I rest my case... but do I? Its just that...

     What is life? Why am I here? Tomorrow will you hear my voice, will you save me from the cruelty of yesterday? Maybe you will, maybe you wont here and now but I shall see you in the next world, in another time and we will soar above galaxies. May the present swallow me whole, you would save me from its tortures. Oh, present you may be dim as I cant see you but in you I find infinite possiblities in which I feel happy, in you I see the joy of incomprehendable beings... please come for me. I will wait for you in this staged play that is life... please hurry, I dont want to lose my mind just yet... I beg you, please come for me... when will I experience joy in this life, anytime but true happiness in my perrpception is understanding and I have hope that it is possible in you.

     I do not wish for a man to pick me up, nor do I force my individuality to. I would rather die than act in the real world much less be saved by my own monster which is myself... I wish not to be saved from myself, but to be devoured by it that I may understand myself as a being...

     Maybe I will realize that soon.