Sex in Sochi

Rowing

   Abel Cannoway stood in front of a burly cameraman sending live footage to billions of viewers across the world. He was known worldwide for his international bestselling series on interviews with some of the most controversial individuals alive, but the camera was new to him. He wiggled his tie and brushed his shoulders to smooth the wrinkles.

   Behind him was the Black Sea where the men’s coxless pair race was about to start. Rowing was not a sport Abel found himself very fond of, but the opportunity to cover such a prestigious event as the Sex Olympics made up for it.

   “The first day of the Sex Olympics are off to a great start with the Rowing competitions in full swing. As you can see behind me, the six teams have lined up and Jeffers Strogman of Australia (who by the way, is the frontrunner of this competition) has already begun his pre-match ritual of rubbing one out.”

   Abel gave the camera an arch of his brow. “Yes, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Isn’t that against the rules?’ Well, not exactly. Let’s take it over to Alexandra Belli, our correspondent at the starting line for an explanation.”

   The petite strawberry blonde gave her camera a toothy smile. “Thank you, Abel. While any form of ejaculation is prohibited one hour prior to the start this coxless pair match, there is nothing against edging. Mr. Strogman asserts the ritual sends blood to his legs, giving his arms time to relax just before he needs them. When I talked to him earlier, he said, ‘It doesn’t hurt to give the audience what they want, either. The pre-match show gives them a reason to cheer for me during the actual race.’ Such a cheeky one he is, but that’s part of the reason why he’s so popular even outside Australia. Back to you Abel.”

   “And thank you, Alexandra. For those of you watching who don’t have a run down of the rules, the match will consist of a race from the starting docks to the marker farther out in the water. Each team has two rowers who must ingest a Viagra and finish the match without attaining an erection at any point. This is part of the reason the Australian captain’s tactics are so controversial and why the almost impotent Scottish team is favored to win.”

   The cameraman, Hodor Pasinsky, signaled the end of the broadcast. The studio team would voice-over the race, and Abel would resume broadcasting afterwards. “Take five,” Abel told him. The large hairy man walked off for a drink without a word.

   Abel took the opportunity to review his notes. This job was going to be his breakout into the entertainment sector, and he would no longer be associated with just literary pursuits. He’d always wanted to be known for journalism, and this was a golden opportunity. He hadn’t expected his application to be accepted even though he had won a Pulitzer Prize for his interviews book, but now that he was on the job, he couldn’t let anything hold him back.

   When Hodor returned, Abel eyed him with disdain. He wasn’t going to let a shoddy cameraman take away from his grand moment. “You’re sure you’ve got the perfect angle and lighting here?” he asked.

    Hodor grunted, “Yeah.”

    “And what about the zoom? Is the mic picking up everything? It’s my head, not yours, if this goes badly.”

    “Yeah everything’s fine. We should move to the docks to interview the winners though.”

   Abel followed the cameraman to where Alexandra and her cameraman were also setting up.

   “This shot’s mine, so back off prick,” the former porn star warned.

   “Actually, seeing as I’m the head on this assignment, you can’t claim it. I suggest you hop on over to the losers path. Maybe one of them will take you for a consolation prize.”

   “Thirty seconds,” Hodor cut in.

   Abel waved his hand to dismiss Alexandra who walked away in frustration. He fixed his tie and cleared his throat. With a nod he waited for the race to finish and the applause to sound around him.

   “Stunning victory for Costa Rica. I can assure you I never saw it coming, but what a race! Neck and neck the whole way, Costa Rica pulled ahead in the final seconds when an unexpected gust of wind veered the Australians off course and right into the Scottish team. I’m sure the Canadians will have found some greater motivation after this as Costa Rica hits the first gold of that heated rivalry. And here’s Fernando Poncho and Marcio Gutierrez, the winners of the match.”

   Abel pulled the two sweating men into the camera’s sight.

   “So how does it feel to be Sex Olympic gold medalists?”

   Marcio answered, “Yeah, it feels great, man. Bedder than when we won it in the Summer Olympics.”

   “Yeah,” Fernando agreed. “There’s a something ‘bout the erection control that brings the whole new level of challenge to this.”

   “And the sex afterwards is phenomenal, I assume,” Abel said.

   The two naked sportsmen grinned at their erect penises and took their leave.

   “Well, there you have it, folks. A wonderful showcase of exceptional skill here on the first day of the international tournament. I’m Abel Cannoway with ‘Sex in Sochi’, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”