Sex in Sochi

Closing Ceremony

   The organizers of the Sex Olympics in Sochi had spent nearly two years planning and practicing an extravagant ceremony to close the year’s games. Fireworks had been ordered and tested. Trainers had trained the Russian performers, and the government had even mandated that each citizen of the country learn exactly when to ooh and ahh and when to keep quiet so that the ceremony would be the best that had ever been done.

   Venues had been cleared for afterparties and video screens had been set up to showcase the best moments of the games as well as other simply beautiful acts of sex. The Russian armed forces had also been trained to sculpt their bodies to be more beautiful than just stronger. Every single detail they could think of, the organizers in Sochi had accomplished in fulfilling. There was nothing left to question.

   But even with all that preparation, the planning committee did not foresee a possibility where there would be no ceremony at all. With all the tension between Canada and Costa Rica prior to the Sex Olympics, the committee had been worried about the Opening Ceremony. However, once that had gone smoothly, they did not think anything would come of the climax to their preparations.

   Even after the Trampoline fight, the organizers had held out hope that it was a small brush. Then, with the Archery event it seemed like the two countries had finally let out their aggressions fully. A few pierced calves and a couple lost eyes as well as one sad, severed testicle were the sacrifices that would lead to peace, the committee was sure.

   It wasn’t until the twitter exchanges just before the Hockey match that the committee began to waver in their hope. Things were becoming tense, and Canada and Costa Rica were threatening to make the Closing Ceremony imperfect… or so the committee naively believed. When the massive altercation at the game occurred, they knew it was a sure thing. The Closing Ceremony was going to be very tough to keep together.

   The news became worse for the organizers, and Russia’s president was furious when it was announced that both countries would be banned from all events moving forward. He had still had hopes for a perfect climax. Now he would have to settle for a finish that left two large holes in the plans. Massive restructuring or reorganization was out of the question. He would rather have empty parts than a completely unprepared performance.

   That was then, though. Moments after the final Relay event concluded the games of the Sex Olympics, a state of war was declared by Canada. They felt the Costa Ricans had gone too far when a viral video of some citizens burning maple syrup made the rounds across the world. The Costa Rican government promptly retaliated with their own declaration of war.

   Other countries quickly separated into factions in support of one or the other. The entirety of Central and South America sided with Costa Rica. France declared for Canada for their mutual love of the French language. The rest of the European Union followed suit, but when the United Kingdom and Australia sided with Costa Rica, it spelled an official dissolvement of the United Nations.

   Infuriated, the United States went against their better judgment and sided with Canada. Once that happened, the Asian countries who had kept out of the affair suddenly got involved. China sided with Costa Rica, prompting India to support the United States and Canada. Pakistan then sided with Costa Rica, and the other Middle East countries followed suit. North Korea also used the opportunity to declare war on the United States and its allies. South Korea, Japan, the Philippines, and remaining Asian countries also sided with Canada.

   When the African nations got involved, it was the Earth’s first True World War. Tensions were high, and every country lived in fear of seeing which team would make the first move. The only nation that did not declare for either side was Russia. They were furious at both for destroying the perfect Closing Ceremony they had planned, so instead they declared war on both. It was plain to see their strategy would not pan out.

   And thus ended the Sex Olympics in Sochi.