Sex in Sochi

Equestrian

   A bright flash streaked across the sky, and a parade of horses caused a thundering of hooves across the landscape. The cameras continued to flash as the horses marched past the audience. The Equestrian events of the Sex Olympics were all set to go.

   “Welcome back to ‘Sex in Sochi’ for another segment of the Sex Olympics. I’m Alexandra Belli, and I’m here to bring you the best showcase of horses in the world! Germany was always a strong team in the old Summer Olympics, but if the Norwegians have proven anything in the past, it’s that they can’t be beat with the Sex Olympics set of rules.”

   The members of every team walked in after the horses with their flags waving proudly in their arms.

   “And there go the team from Norway, smiles beaming on their faces. A little known fact: Norway has some of the most progressive laws when dealing with animals. It’s no wonder they are so renowned on this stage. The horses just can’t seem to get enough of them!”

   Each team walked with their horses to the designated stables. Some groomed the horses. Others took them for a quick trot. The team from Portugal lathered up their horses with lard and gave them a massage. Anything to edge their horses to the limit and defeat the undefeated Norwegians.

   A small chant buzzed in the audience from a section of blue and white. “Taurestrian, Taurus, Taurestrian, Taurus!” The Greek citizens were building up a frenzy as they did at every Equestrian event since the beginning of the Sex Olympics.

   Alexandra smirked at the camera. “The Greeks are persistent, that’s for sure. Even though the petition for a bull-oriented event rather than a horse-oriented one failed, they hold out hope that they will one day be able to make their Minotaur ancestors proud. ‘We are one with the bull, and mother Phaedra would want us to keep trying,’ one emotional fan stated earlier. I have to admit, their enthusiasm is infectious, but for now we are still at an Equestrian event. Fierce competition, horses, and sex - what more could you ask for on a day like this?”

   “The most common question I get for the Equestrian events is how to tell the sex of a horse, so let me tell you right now. You can tell the sex of a horse by how many teeth it's got, or you can just look and see if it has a massive cock.” Alexandra winked at the camera.

   A quick announcement was made to start the routines for each team. The competition would pit each team against one another in a sportive fashion show unlike any other.

   “The sport sure has come a long way from its humble beginning. It wasn’t too long ago that makeup hadn’t even come across as a thought to competitors, but these days you’d be crazy to skip on the vital accessory.”

   The Norwegian team went first. The time started and they threw off their clothing but kept their cowboy hats on. One of them led their horse to the other two and began applying lipstick on it. Another of the two worked on the horse’s hair, and the third and only female of the team ran to grab a vibrating saddle. She put it on the horse, and let the other two finish. Most teams would use the third member to keep the horse steady, but these were the top of the world. Not thirty seconds in, they were ready. One of the Norwegian men jumped on top of the saddle, and the girl turned on the power. The vibrations made the horse walk forward. It also made the man’s penis shoot upward.

   “Oh my. He’s hung just like his horse,” Alexandra purred off camera. Barry gave her an uneasy grin.

   The Norwegian team got to the end of the catwalk. The lead member stopped and knelt on the floor in front of the horse. The man on the horse sat backward and lay back, his head resting on the horse’s. The girl jumped onto him and landed straight on his erect penis. She gave a yeehaw and waved her hat in the air.

   “The ‘Ride a Cowboy’! That’s one of the more difficult maneuvers to pull off, but this team did it justice. Now they just have to make it through the long ride down the rest of the stretch and they’ll be rewarded with a nice deep placement in the rankings!”

   The rest of the walk went just as smoothly, and the team from Norway received a solid score to set the stage. Up next were the Germans, who had vowed to win this year at all costs.

   “The German team seems ready to go. It’s as if their electricity can be felt through the air.”

   The Norwegians exchanged aggressive looks with the Germans.

   “The tension is high between these two. Let’s hope we don’t see another case of the Canadian and Costa Rican archery fiasco.”

   The German team lined up and waited for the start of the clock. Barry counted Alexandra out for a commercial break, and she let out a sigh. “This is getting intense, huh?”

   Barry scratched his crotch. “Yeah, it is. Hey, do you smell that?” Barry and Alexandra both took a step to the side. Their shoes squished into a fresh pile of horse feces.

   Alexandra looked up and saw Abel and Hodor laughing from the other end of the grounds. “Horseshit. This is horseshit,” she said.

   “One minute,” Barry warned without bothering to wipe off any excrement. Alexandra sighed and got back in place.

   There were two girls and one man on the German team, and as soon as the timer started, the clothes flew off. On their chests were written in bold letters ‘Tame the Competition.’ The man held the horse in place, and one of the girls began feeding the horse hay to get it in the zone. The other girl ran her hand down the side of the horse and rubbed it’s belly to get it to eat faster. Two whole bales of hay were used. The man ran off just as the hay finished and returned with a mare. He led it in front of the stallion and slapped its behind. Immediately the hay-filled horse neighed and ran up to the mare. The man jumped on the mare and rode it down the catwalk while the horse tried to ride it in a different way. At the end of the walk, he stopped the mare abruptly, and the stallion reared on its hind legs with its member in full view. At the same time, the man stood on top of the mare and mimicked the horse in perfect unison. The penises were almost identical, and the crowd roared.

   “I never knew anything stuffed with hay could be so hard!” Alexandra guffawed. “I think I’m beating a dead horse, but I’ll say it again. I’d like to beat that guy’s horse-like buck.”

   The Germans finished the routine with a standing ovation of more than one kind from the crowd, but the Norwegians held onto their undefeated record.