Letters I will never send

Letter thirty

My love Jay,

I love you a lot Jay and I will always miss you. Today was our last exam; the day I dreaded the most. It was the last day I had the chance to see you. Since the day I realized that I am in love with you I was unable to muster up the courage within me to come and talk to you. Even today I could not do that, because I don't know how to express what I feel. You loved Leah then, and still do now. If I had told you about my feelings, I would have made a complete fool of myself. Instead, I just glanced your way and watched you enjoying the end of our school life. Cady was there with me, furious and annoyed with my burning affection for you.

Cady and I headed to my house only moments after you, in an attempt to enjoy our time and have fun. I showed her these letters and she was shocked. She asked me why I never passed them along to you. Cady couldn't possibly understand the anxiety that swelled within me at the thought of expressing my true feelings to you. I could only give a slight shrug as a response to her. Today I realized how terrible of a friend I am. Only recently did it come to me that I had never once asked Cady who her crush is. After reading my letters, she told me that she had a crush on one of our classmates. Lucky for her, things had worked out and he asked her on a date. Despite my sadness for not being able to date you, I was happy for my friend. At least she's able to date the one she loves.

Cady probed me with questions, such as how many more letters will you write? and when will you give these letters to Jay? I informed her that I haven't decided it yet. She just nodded and assured me that everything will be fine. Her and I are both unsure of what to do with these letters, but once she had left me, I took some time to think and came to a decision.

 Jay, this will be my last letter to you. I don't think I can continue with this anymore. I have to let go of these feelings now as they are only causing stress in my life. I have decided that I will welcome my new life with open arms. But, don't think that I am goig to stop loving you or missing you. I will always love and miss you because you are my first love. I know its going to be tough for me, but it's the time I should act mature and accept that you are gone from my life. So,I'm sure this is the end. Again, I wish you the best of luck with your future.

 When it comes to the letters, for now, I won't let you see them, as it's useless to do so now. I am non-existent in your life, so what's the point telling you about my feelings? But, I promise, if we meet again in the future, I will give you these letters. I don't know what the future has stored for us, but whether or not we meet again, I will always keep these letters, and always be in love with you.

 For the time being, I am saying goodbye to you, and I will hide these letters somewhere away from wandering eyes. I will enjoy my life now and treasure all those people who love me. I spent most of my life taking the people I love for granted, and I'm going to change that. You will always hold a special place in my heart, though. I still want to see you, and I will always keep the promises I made you.

Love you always and forever,

Ellie                                                                        

                                                           I LOVE YOU

P.S. - Sorry I took few photos of you during our last working day.