More Than a Kiss

Part Four: Not Again

Part Four: Not Again

Three Months later

I look up at the ceiling in my bedroom as I'm laying on my back wondering what went wrong. I ruined everything I know I did and it's all my fault. I opened my mouth and told Ryan I liked him when I should have never said anything at all. I should have never let him lean in and kiss me like I did. I should have never kissed him back when I knew nothing good would come from it. And I should have never let what happened after take place. We should have stayed friends and not have crossed the line. Or maybe I should've never even let him move in to begin with. Then maybe I wouldn't be here right now feeling so heartbroken.

I'm such an idiot for believing he was a good person and might possibly maybe like me back. I can't believe how naive I was to even think something like that in the first place. Everything was an act down to the friendship, the 'I like you', the kiss that took place and the sex which obviously meant nothing to Ryan. All of it didn't mean a damn thing to him but here I am left in misery with another broken heart.

Why? Because Ryan hasn't been able to look me in the eyes for three whole months. He can't even stand being near me in the apartment let alone outside. We used to hang out all the time but not anymore. And talking? Ha! Yeah right he can barely manage to say hi and bye whenever I do see him. The longest sentence I've gotten out of him lately is 'I'm busy I gotta go'. Nothing else and it's starting to get under my skin at how childish he is acting. Nothing is the same anymore and I still don't fully understand why.

All I know is the morning after we had too much to drink I woke up on the couch with a pounding headache and my head still in a fog trying to recall what happened. At first everything was a complete blur until I sat up and noticed the clothes I was wearing the night before laying beside the couch. It didn't take me long to piece it all together and realize we slept together. Not only that but Ryan was no where to be found. He took off without even a goodbye and when he did finally come home the distance started to grow between us.

I could understand if I did something wrong or if I confessed I loved him and freaked him out but I didn't. I told him I liked him and he said he liked me back. He was the one to initiate the kiss after all not me. If he didn't like me then why would he lead me on to think he did? Was it all a lie to get me in bed then throw me to the side like a piece of garbage?

If it was all a mistake a simple I don't like you that way and we should stay friends would have hurt but I could get passed that. But ignoring me and going out of his way to avoid me is a lot more hurtful. Yet I am still finding myself having feelings for him even when I know I shouldn't. Why do I always have to fall for guys that will only hurt me and never like me back? Am I such a bad person I don't deserve any happiness?

Maybe June was right Ryan is a bad person, a person that will only hurt me like he did. That's what I get though for falling in love with people I can never have. Right? I only wish it didn't have to hurt as bad as it does.

I hear the sound of Ryan shutting his door from across the hallway and I immediately sit up. He must be leaving to get away from me for the day. Like usual he waited until I was in my room so he didn't have to talk to me. Honestly was sleeping with me that bad? So horrible I deserve to be treated this way?

No, I don't think I do and I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. I'm not going to let this continue any longer then it already has. What do I have to lose now anyway?

I get up from my bed already feeling my heart race as I walk over and open the door. I force myself to walk out of the room seeing Ryan in the kitchen grabbing something out of the fridge. It doesn't take long for him to notice me walking towards him and I can see him tense up ready to leave. Now or never right?

"Will you please talk to me Ryan? I don't understand why you're avoiding me." I choke out.

"I'm not avoiding you I just been busy at work. I can't really talk right now I'm in a hurry." he says lying as he looks me in the eyes for the first time in months. He hurries to grab the sandwich from the fridge and walks past me to the front door.

I follow him and grab his arm to hold him back before he can leave. "I'm not dumb Ryan to know you're lying to my face. Was it really that bad you don't even want to be by me?"

"No, that's not it." he replies.

"Then what is it Ryan because what else am I supposed to think? I thought you were a good friend but apparently I was wrong." I say.

"We didn't use a condom." he says so quickly I barely manage to understand what he said.

"So? I don't have an STD if that's what you're worried about. Oh god do you?" I say starting to worry.

"No,"

"Then what is it? It isn't like I can get you pregnant. Is that what you think because that's not possible Ryan." I reply.

"I knew I should have been more careful but I was being care less. We were drinking and I wasn't thinking what could happen." he says.

"This can't be happening, this can't be happening again." I say letting go of his arm.

"What are you talking about again?" he asks looking more confused than I am.

"First Razor said I got him pregnant by a stupid kiss and now you think I got you pregnant by having sex. Did Razor put you up to this to hurt me again?" I question raising my voice. He has to know Razor why else would he say something like this? Why would two different people know to tell me something so impossible and unthinkable?

"I don't even know who Razor is Lukas and believe me I'm not lying. Please give me a chance to explain everything." he says as he tries to get closer to me but I push him away.

"I don't need you to explain anything Ryan because I already know the truth." I say.

"You do?" he asks.

"Yeah because the truth is you're full of shit. Both of you and I want nothing to do with you after today. I can't deal with this again. All I want right now is for you to leave and start looking for somewhere else to live. I'll give you a month but that's it. Now leave I don't care where you go I just don't want you around me right now!" I scream out loud sounding more mean then I wanted to. I almost want to say sorry seeing how sad Ryan looks on the verge of crying. But instead I stand where I am and watch him leave out the door.