Leon, Leon (BoyxNB romance)

Chapter 28

It was late at night – I couldn’t be bothered to keep track of the time since I didn’t have to wake up for school.

I also totally didn’t want him to stay late enough to fall asleep on me so we had a very good reason to sleep in the same bed. Shhh.

“How are you feeling after today, Leon?” I asked, smiling.
“Very tired,” he said. “But happy. You are correct, it is good to talk about difficult things.”
“That’s good. And you’re not quite as scared now, right?”
“No. I feel... safe. I think I am... happy, now. I have not felt this sort of happiness in a long time. It was hard to enjoy things, in the past, because I know that the days ended with my brother. Even if he was not angry, he was still loud, and scary. Only the idea of him was enough to make me feel bad. However now... I do not worry. It is wonderful.”
“You shouldn’t have ever had to worry, Leon,” I said. “But I’m glad you can be happier now.” I lay back on the bed in the darkness, and I felt the edges of his hair tickle my cheek. Are we really this close? I hope he doesn’t move. “How are you feeling about the whole Muslim thing? You know, you can say to her if you don’t want to go.”
“I... do not know.” He said. “I am a little bit afraid of the idea.”
“Why?” I asked. “What do you think could go wrong?”
He paused, for a second. “Do you think that Allah hates me?”
I sat up straight, and looked over at him, even though it was nearly black in the room. “Leon,” I said, softly. “No, God no, of course He doesn’t. Why would you even think that?”
“Because... I like men as much as women, and I am a woman as much as a man,” he said. “I do not know if that is what he wants from me.”
“Well...” I lay back down. “I don’t know loads about Islam, okay, so I might get stuff wrong, but the way I see it is that Allah made everything. He makes like, the souls of everyone, right? So if you feel that way, it must be because he made you like that. And he must have made you like that because that’s what he wanted. He wanted you to feel like that, maybe to enjoy both ends of what he created, right? And maybe he knew how kind you were going to be to people, which is why he didn’t pick one type for you to love.” I paused. “I don’t know, Leon. But what I do know is that what you’re feeling isn’t bad, and any person, God or human or whatever, that hates on you for expressing yourself is one you shouldn’t bother with. But I mean... if you feel Him, like He's real, you know, and you’re certain of that, too, then that’s Him, reaching out to you. That’s His love, right? So just do what that feeling is saying. Forget about how other people think of you – just be happy, and live life like you think He would want you to, and everything will be okay.”

There was silence, for a while, and I had a horrible feeling I had said something wrong. “Leon...” I said, quietly. “Are you still there?”

More silence, for a while. “Yes, I am, Callum.”
“Good.”
“And I wondered something...” he whispered.
“Yeah, what is it?”
“I have something... to ask you to do, if you do not find it too difficult.”
“I’ll try my best, Leon. What is it?”
“If Prisha finds a class, or a person to talk, or something like that...”
“Yeah?”
“Can you come with me?”

I couldn’t help but lean over and wrap my arms around him, burying my head in his neck. “Of course, Leon. You don’t even have to ask, I’ll go to anything you want me to, alright, so don’t worry about it.”
“But... I thought you didn’t want it because you weren’t religious. I do not want you to be uncomfortable.”
“Leon, I might not believe in God right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m violently against the idea or anything,” I said, laying back down. “It’s just been that I was never really raised with that being a thing, you know? I guess it was like... a lot of things, where I’m only starting to think outside the box.”

I could feel his head turn towards me, but I pretended not to notice, looking up at the ceiling like it really made any difference. That was until I felt the warmth in my hand, though. “H-hey,” I said, softly. “Are you scared, or something?”
“No,” he said. “I just want to touch you.”
Calm down, Callum. He’s being kind, don’t explode over this. “Oh, um, okay.”
“Do you like it?” He asked, uncertainly. I could feel his grip loosen.
“No, I mean, yes, I do! You can... keep it there, I do like it.”
I felt his other hand trace up my arm, and I tried to keep myself as still as I could as shivers went up my spine. “Good,” he whispered. “Can I ask a question?”
Do you like guys? Do you want to kiss? Do you ever try and superimpose my face in your head onto the guys from your sister’s magazines to imagine what I would look like naked? The answer to them in order is: Apparently, yes, and, very embarrassingly, a couple of times.
“Sure, go for it.”
“What was the bad thing?”
Eh? “Sorry, what are you talking about?”
“You said that a bad thing happened,” he said. “At the school. What was it?”
“Oh, uh yeah,” I said, chuckling nervously. “It’s not... a big deal. We don’t have to talk about it.”
“But I want to, if you do.”
I sighed, closing my eyes. “Yeah, alright then. It’s a long story, but basically, you know that girl I dated, Cass?”
“Yes?”
“We were friends, before we dated. It was us, and Kayla and Ally and Susie – they’re all in the year below, so I don’t expect you to know them – and we were like, a group, you know?” I could feel his eyes on me. It was weird how we could sense things like that. “And now they all hate me, because we’ve broken up. She said all this stuff about me, and every day it was drama. Some days Kayla would be on my side, then hers, and the same with all the other ones. It was exhausting, you know? Which is why I guess it was such a relief to start hanging out with the boys. They may not have been as... kind, but at least I could get away from that. But now I guess they hate me too so I’ve sort of messed up both.”
“Oh,” he said, drawing a circle in my palm. “Which of those things happened today?”
“No, uh, that was just the backstory. What actually happened today was, pretty much, Kayla ranted in my face about how much of a bad person I was. And even though I knew everything she was saying was bullshit, it was all just because of the stuff Cass said – it still hurt, you know? It just made me feel like... such a bad person.”
“What did she say? She said that you were a bad person for doing these things you did not do?”
“Yeah, she said I was...” I could feel my cheeks getting wet, so I squeezed his hand. “She said I was the reason Cass hurts herself. And it hurt so bad because, because,” I tried to catch my breath, hiccupping and snotty, and I felt myself make a little noise when he let go of my hand, until I found it wrapped around my back and my nose by his collarbone. He smelt of deodorant and something sweet, like caramel or cookies, and I couldn’t help but press myself against him a little. “Because when we were together, that’s what she would say too.”
“She,” he said, raising his voice. “She said she is going to hurt herself when you were in a relationship?”
“Please don’t shout, Leon,” I heard him whisper a ‘sorry’ and started to run his hands through my hair. “And... yeah. If I ever broke up with her, she said she would hurt herself. And she would always get mad at me when I said things, like we could never have fun or joke because she would make me feel like shit all the time, so when I knew I couldn’t take it anymore I tried to get her to see a therapist more, and to talk to teachers about problems, so she wouldn’t do anything bad, but it didn’t work, and she did, right after I broke up, and she sent it to me – and there was so much blood, and burns, and I think she’d scraped her hands again stones or something because her skin was all ripped up, and it made me feel so sick, and awful... like it was all my fault, because it’s all my fault, Leon, it’s...”
“It is not, Callum,” he said. “It is not. I promise you that." He sighed." I will tell a little story, therefore you will understand. When I was young, I asked my father about love. What is it, why do we get married, how do you know if you love someone – all of those types of things. And he said that, more than anything, he said that people need friends. To Allah, gender is not that important – if you want to find someone you love, you find someone to respect and connect with first. And friendship, they are like... give and take, equal parts, you understand? You help him, he helps you. But when that stops to be balanced, then the friendship will not be good. You helped her, but she did not help you. Then when you say to her, ‘No, I do not want this relationship, this connection, with you anymore’, she does not try to give it, she only takes more from you. Why do you think any part of that is your fault?”
I sniffled, rubbing my nose and cheeks. “Allah sounds like a smart guy,” I said; hearing him chuckle made me feel like everything was okay for a moment. “And so did your father.”
“Yes,” he said, quietly. “He was. I wish I talked to him more, and listened to the things he said. It feels like... so long, since he was with me.”
“You... miss him, a lot?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I miss my father, too. So I understand, a little bit.”
He paused. “Why did your father go?”
“Mam made him,” I explained. “She found out he had been having an affair with a secretary from his work, so he made him pack up and get out by the end of the week.”
“Do you wish... you lived with him?”
“Fuck no,” I couldn’t help but smile. “I mean, yeah, he was fun. But Mam was always the one that kept it all together – made sure we did well in school and that nobody was bothering us. I do miss him, but I knew stuff wasn’t right around the time he left. I wouldn’t want it to be like that again, for Mam’s sake, as well.”
He pressed his cheek against my head. “You are one of the most interesting people I have met, Callum.”
“In what way?”
“You think of other people more than yourself – but you do not do it for the praise. You truly... make your choices for others, for me or your mother or that girl. And you do not even... think about it.”
“Yeah, I guess I’ve always tried to please people. Make them happy, you know?”
“And you do,” he said. “You make everybody feel happy except yourself.”
“It’s alright,” I smiled. “I do not need to make myself feel happy.”
“Why not?”
“Because I have someone to do that for me, now,” I whispered. “And, when I’m with him, I feel like I don’t need anyone else in the world.”