Boneca [Doll]

Chapter 43: Father's love

João Cesar da Graça.

Every year, Jona would stand in front of his office, staring at the nameplate, trying to gather some courage to see his father. Since he was ten, instead of being a father, João had been Jona's doctor—his endocrinologist. He would see him for his annual health monitoring. Every staff in this clinic knew him as a transgender person treated by his own father. They praised João for being supportive of Jona's gender dysphoria.

They didn't know that it was João who was not happy with Jona's gender.

Luuk was surprisingly calm this morning when Jona told him he would need to see his father.

"Go figure it out for yourself. If he pushed you into something, he'll have to answer to me. And if you pull another dumb move, I'll straighten you out, no matter what. So, make whatever decision you want."

Everything about Jona changed overnight. He had woken up in Luuk's arms this morning, and he had never felt so blessed. He woke up thanking God for giving Luuk to him. That man made him a woman when he was never a girl. And he wanted that life with him.

The life he would face behind this door wouldn't let him have that.

This year, the reluctance to see his father was doubled. Still, he knocked on the door.

"Come in," João said. "Jona. Você está aqui!" [You're here!]  João smiled as he circled his desk toward him. He hugged him.

The musk of his perfume entered Jona's system, and as he dreaded, the smell calmed him. He had missed him. João filled that one spot Jona reserved for a father, the way Kurosaki-san filled it.

"Quando você chegou? Você não respondeu aos meus textos," [When did you arrive? You didn't reply to my texts,] João asked.

"Desculpe, pai. Meu telefone quebrou. Recebo mensagens e chamadas, mas não posso fazer nada para responder," [Sorry, Dad. My phone broke. I get messages and calls, but I can't do anything to answer,] Jona replied.

"I see. Buy a new one. You made me worry." João sighed and looked at Jona's legs. "How're your legs? It has been ten months since the accident. Take off your jeans and lie down. Let me see them."

"They have been so much better. They hurt more now that it's winter, but it's bearable." Jona lay on the bed, flinching in pain from the remnants of last night's... activity.

João examined the scars on Jona's hip. "What are these? Are you feeling well?" He touched the scattered red marks on Jona's thigh.

Jona shrugged. "I don't know. Might be some bugs at Mom's grave yesterday. I wore shorts." He turned around as he pulled up his jeans. His face burned. He woke up this morning to a constellation of love marks all over his body.

He dismissed the embarrassing thought when João gestured him to his desk. He sat, and João asked him about the Amazon. Jona told him everything about his expedition, leaving out a big part of it—Luuk.

"Let me check your blood pressure," João said a few minutes later. "When did you last have your parenteral shot?"

"Before I went to the Amazon. Fifteen weeks."

"That's three weeks over the threshold. You have your testosterone gel with you?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'm taking your blood." He cuffed a tourniquet around Jona's arm before he took an empty syringe. "I'll have the nurse take you for a DXA in a while. Your bones should've healed by now, but let's monitor your bone density too just in case. I would need to lower your testosterone dose if needed. You want me to give you the shot today?"

Jona flinched when the needle punctured his skin. With one slow pull, his blood filled the syringe. "I'll do it myself after Christmas. I'll get nauseous after the shot. I'm going back to America tomorrow. I won't feel good flying."

He didn't feel good now too when he glanced at the picture of his father and the twins with Benedita on João's desktop screen. Jona was nowhere in his life.

João nodded. "We're going back to Benedita's hometown tomorrow for Christmas. Why don't you stay in Lisbon a bit longer and celebrate Christmas with Kurosaki? He has always been alone since his daughter passed away." He pulled out the needle from Jona's vein.

"Sim, estou planejando ficar um pouco mais este ano," [Yes, I'm planning to stay a bit longer this year,] Jona replied.

"Eu enviar os gêmeos para Kurosaki para karatê. Você os viu na segunda-feira?" [I send the twins to Kurosaki for karate. Did you see them on Monday?] João asked.

Jona's heart raced. He forced a smile as he stared at the huge cross on the white wall. "No. I just came here yesterday. I didn't know they joined karate. That's good."

João scanned Jona's face before he smiled. "Disseram-me que viram um irmão doente na frente da escola há três dias. Eu pensei que era você. Mas Benedita disse que era outra pessoa." [They told me they saw a sick brother in front of the school three days ago. I thought it was you. But Benedita said it was someone else.]

"I don't know who they met. As I said, I just reached Lisbon yesterday." Jona unrolled his long sleeve. He thanked God João had detached the heart rate monitor from his finger. "I won't see them without your consent." He stood when João phoned the nurse. "Don't worry, Dad. I'm not planning on letting them know I exist."

João stood and approached Jona. "I love you, Jona. You're my son, but you know it's better for them not to know who you are. You have your life, and they have theirs. They deserve to live without all the... unwholesome past in the family."

Jona wore his glasses when his eyes burned. "Thank you, Dad. I know. I'll not see them."

"You know why I do this. I'm just helping you repent from your past sins." He hugged Jona. "You're a good son, Jona. I couldn't be more grateful to the Lord for that." He kissed Jona's forehead.

Jona stared at the eyes he inherited from. He didn't know how João did it, but everything he said sounded sincere. Even when Jona knew his father hated him for killing his brother, when his father actually let him drown when he was a kid, he would always make Jona believe that he loved him every time they met.

The love felt so farfetched when they were far from each other, but now that Jona was in his arms like this, it felt real. Sometimes, he just didn't want to get away. João's love felt real, and it was the thing that kept Jona in this loop.

João just wanted his son, and Jona just wanted his love.