I (Almost) Loved You

3- I (Almost) Cared

       
You'd think, because of my 'broken heart,' I'd be moping around in my room 24/7. It's halfway true, sure. But I've got to act like I'm happy, for everyone else's sake, even if most don't care. 

I stared up at the ceiling, lost in thought.

What is it about Talya that Oli finds so fascinating? All she does is talk shit, not even knowing the situation. She acts as if that's all she can do. She's smarter than that, and even I know that. And why is Oli all of a sudden forcing Adrian to hang out with me? 

I rolled my eyes, turning my iPod off, even though my favorite song, 'Immaculate Misconception' by Motionless In White was playing. I wasn't in the mood. This wasn't about Oli and Talya, or Adrian and I, or anything like that. The thing is, I didn't even know what it was about. I was just completely and utterly irritated. I guess I just don't care. Maybe I should, but I don't.

 (Bzzt, Bzzt)

My phone vibrated next to me in my bed. I looked at it to see I had a text from Oli, but I didn't even open it. Probably a fake, 'I'm worried about you,' message. Like usual. So I'm not even gonna bother. I deleted the text with a sigh. "Oli, why don't you understand what I mean when I say I want to be alone...?" 

I honestly wish I could ask him that. I feel like if I could ask him, maybe he'd actually understand and leave me the hell alone. But at the same time, him understanding could mean that he'd bug me even more. And that's the last thing I want. 

Why can't I just end everything? I mean, I could, but I don't even know if that's the right thing for me to do. I've obviously got better things I could be doing, but I choose not to do them. I might as well not even try, because well, what's the good in it, if there's no motivation, right?

I yawned. Maybe I need a break from reality or something.

And I know just how to get that break. 

I reached under my bed, digging around for my tiny black jewelry box and smiling widely like a psychopath. You see, I don't keep jewelry in there.

I opened it, looking at six shiny razorblades- somehow shiny, anyways, even though I use them way too often. Selecting the sharpest one, I took a deep breath.

 And then I grazed my wrist with it. This wasn't a gentle graze- well, at least, after the first few it wasn't. I started slow until blood started bubbling out faster and faster. The fact that it was a pencil sharpener razor didn't do much justice to it, but it made the feeling just fine. Each cut started with little bloody bumps, and as I ran the blade over them, they started to turn into long, straight lines. I knew they wouldn't fade right away, or I wouldn't have done it. They'd scar up eventually, but they would still remain there. Not that it mattered. Everyone knew I did it, and at first, I almost had cared, until I realized just how much better I felt when I would cut. When I was done making  the cuts, I started deepening them. Before too long, I had a bit of a mess to clean up. I was getting light headed, even though I wanted to continue.

I was just glad that I relieved myself from reality for the moment. 

I stared down at my wrists, now bleeding heavily.

Yeah, there's no way I can clean this up in here, I need to go in the bathroom...

The lucky thing was that no one was home, so I snuck into the bathroom easily, not even noticing that I'd left a trail of blood in droplets on the floor in the hallway, staining the carpet. It's not like anyone gives two shits if I bleed anyway, so I don't know why I feel like I have to sneak around with cutting. 

I rinsed my arms off, wincing as the hot water stung my cuts. I bandaged and cleansed them before going back into my room and crying. 

"God, why can't I be happy WITHOUT bleeding?"

I wanted to rip my hair out. I wanted to be the loudest, most ignorant, and stupid human being anyone could be. I was so fucking done that I couldn't explain it. I was wrong, it was all about Oli and Talya. I hate seeing those two together, knowing that it could've been he and I together instead. She doesn't deserve him. He's perfect. She's a snob who reads too much into what people say. Who hates anyone that goes anywhere near her 'Oli-Bear.' So basically, even if I wanted to, she and I would never be friends.

Ha, that's a break from reality too. I'd never care enough about her to be her friend. Maybe I almost did before. But definitely not now. She was nice in the beginning, until Oli and I became even closer than friends should be. 

Eh, why should I even almost care, right?