the quiet ° phan

xi. embrace

Weeks had passed and Dan's connection to Phil was still strong. However, he was feeling the same need to branch out as he did so long ago. He knew it was dangerous, but it wasn't the same as before. He only had one question that he wanted to be answered, an answer only one person could give him.

As Dan sat in physics class patiently awaiting free period, he tried to concoct a plan for getting that answer. He knew Phil would wait for him after class, so he needed an excuse to get away. He also had to figure out how to communicate with the one person who could help him get his answer without raising Phil's suspicion.

Once the bell rang, he mostly knew what he planned to do. He got up from his seat and slung his satchel over his right shoulder. As soon as one foot of his was out the door, Phil was there greeting him.

"Hey," Phil said softly with a smile.

Dan smiled back at him and solidified his plan in his mind.

I have to go to the bathroom, Dan signed.

Phil nodded. As Dan walked away, he heard Phil's footsteps following him. Dan turned back around.

Alone.

Phil reddened a little and nodded.

"I'll wait for you in study hall, then."

Dan walked away in no particular direction. He waited until Phil was out of sight to go where he really wanted.

He merged into a crowd of students shuffling towards various classrooms. He kept an eye out for a familiar blonde head of hair. Finally, he found her.

He grabbed onto her arm so she'd know he was looking for her. He led her to the courtyard so they could talk without interruption.

He handed her a note with the one question he wanted answered on it. She stared at the note for what seemed like hours.

"Oh, Dan..." Louise said, "it was so long ago. I—"

But Dan's pleading eyes broke her.

"Okay. You may want to sit down for this."

So they did. They sat next to each other on a grey, dew-covered bench. The bench was as grey and bleak as the sky that smothered all of England. Through all the clouds, a tiny pocket of sunshine hit Dan.

"How much has Phil told you?"

Dan pulled out a pen from his pocket and scribbled on the bottom of the note.

Forget about Phil, he wrote. Tell me your story.

Louise looked him dead in the eye with sadness and vulnerability. She sighed and rubbed her hands on her jeans before telling her story. Just like Phil did before he told his story.

"When Phil first moved here, I tried to be friends with him. I try to be friendly with everyone no matter who they are, so I gave him a chance. And everything worked out at first. Phil's a nice guy, y'know. Stick with him."

Dan smiled hearing her say that about his best friend. He zoned out for a moment while dwelling on that comment, then tuned back into her story.

"Anyway, my friends didn't really like Phil. They always teased him because of what he looked and acted like. Of course, I didn't like my friends doing that, so I stood up for him.

"The first time I stood up for him, Zoe—she said some things. A little hurtful but nothing drastic. I didn't stop defending him. When they would say things about him behind his back, I'd quietly tell them that, y'know, maybe they shouldn't do that. But all they ever did was shut me down.

"When you're so young and in such a new environment as I was in year 6, it can be hard to know what to do. I ended up walking down the path I thought would bring me happiness and friends. At the time, I didn't want to get off that path because I knew how badly it might hurt me socially. It's a stupid reason to give up one friend, but to a pubescent 13-year-old, it seemed like a big deal.

"So I didn't talk to him as much. I'd see him in other classes and smile, but I only ever held conversation with him when they weren't around. Sometimes a situation occurred where my friends were there and so was he, and then he'd end up hurt. Emotionally, not physically. I never meant for that to happen, but I was his one friend and every time he saw me, he naturally came over.

"But then he stopped. We stopped. The sloppy stitchwork holding together the incredibly different fabrics of our lives wasn't strong enough to keep us together. Occasionally I saw him walking home or something and said hi, but one day, he snapped. He yelled at me about how bad of a friend I was and how I hurt him and tricked him and—"

Louise stopped for a moment. She let her head rest in her hands as she looked down away from me. Dan heard a sound somewhere between crying and sighing. When she finally picked her head up again, there was one single tear she quickly wiped away so Dan wouldn't see.

But he saw everything. He saw into her heart like he'd seen into Phil's when he told Dan his point of view.

Dan placed his left hand, his injured hand, on her shoulder as a sign of understanding. A sign that both of them were hurting in different ways but he felt her pain all the same. It took a moment for Louise to regain her composure, but when she did, she laughed.

Dan gave her a confused look. When she stopped laughing, she looked him in the eyes and spoke.

"Don't let anyone change you, Daniel. And please don't hang out with my 'friends.' Phil will guide you to the right path. I know it. So just...be careful, okay? Don't make the same mistakes we did. You've already suffered enough."

Dan nodded his head to say "okay." Then, unexpectedly, he hugged Louise. It was a short but powerful hug. It was as if their physical connection let their feelings transfer from one to another to the point where they felt like they'd switched bodies because they felt so much empathy for one another. And so they stayed there, staring at each other in order to absorb all of the emotions like a sponge only to squeeze it all out at some indeterminate date in the future.