"It's So Damn Hard"
I guess I'm still learning not to hate myself. I'm still learning not to hate myself for not being the girl that he wants. But it's hard.
It's hard when your best friend is a guy. It's hard when he makes you feel important and valuable. When he hugs you and whispers that 'It's going to be okay' and 'life will get better'. Because damn it when you're with him you start to feel that it is and it will. It's hard not to love him.
It's hard not to love him when he offers you a place at his house when life at home gets rough. It's hard not to love him when he flirts and calls you beautiful and tells you that he wants you. And you know it's a joke but you think 'if only'
It's so damn hard when he seems colossal in your mind but then you see him curled up in fetal position and crying.
It's hard seeing him go after the same girls who broke his heart over and over again. It's hard to see him go for the girl who deliberately plays with his feelings. It's hard seeing him love her.
And I know we accept the love that we think we deserve but God dammit he deserve so much more. And I want to show him that. I want to show him how much he deserves. I want to show him just what he deserves because he deserves the best. And I can say that but it won't mean anything to him. It'll just be his best friend trying to cheer him up.
Because I'm still just his best friend. I've never known a word to bring so much joy but also so much sorrow. Because no matter how hard I try that is all I will be and this cycle will continue. I say I'm over him but I'm no longer sure who I'm trying to convince.
I'm still learning to be okay. To accept it all. I'm still learning not to hate myself. But how can I not?
YOU ARE READING
All The Words I Couldn't Say
PoetryA book of poetry. Essentially a rant book in poetry form that is for everyone except the person who needs to hear it. I apologize for excessive amounts of depression, this is how I cope with my everyday life.
