My World

Logan

The thing about dying is that once you accept that you are, it's easier. I mean yeah, I don't want to die, but I don't want to continue to suffer. I never really thought what would happen to the people that loved me if I did. I used to think they would be better off. My mom wouldn't have to pay so much, Jams would be able to go back to school. Jams told me her anxiety spiked after we found out about the cancer. If I was gone she could go back to school and maybe branch out and become more social. My dad wouldn't have to pretend to have a business in Maine just because he can't bare to see me sick. My brother could leave New York and go to Paris where they need him.

There are pluses for everyone once i'm gone. It will be better. Yes, I did take time to think about the bad things that would happen. Honestly I don't think Jam's anxiety would get better. It would get worse. I am the one that makes her do things she worries about. In a way that helps her to overcome some anxiety. She could become depressed. We are never away from each other. We are each other's worlds. We had a conversation about that the other day at the park. 

I sat down at the kitchen table next to Jams across from Jackson. My mom set down a platter of pancakes in the middle of the table. As usual Sarah didn't come home last night, so Jams slept over again. I grab two pancakes. I watch as Jams just sits there. 

"Jams, food?" she nodded her head no and slid back into her chair. 

"You need to eat honey. At least half of one please." My mom pointed at the pancakes.

"Karen, i'm fine. Really." I let out a small giggle. I loved it when Jams called my mom Karen.

"Stop your snickering Logan Naomi." I immediately stop and glare at Jackson. I hate my middle name. It didn't even match my first name. Jams's name was awesome. Bailey Cassiopeia O'Conner, and her long red hair matched perfectly with her last name. Sarah's does too. She is an original red head and so was Jams's mom.

I miss Mrs. O'Conner so much. She was like my second mom. She passed away a few months after my diagnosis and it's been hard for Jams ever since that year. 

I jump in my chair as my mom's phone starts buzzing. "Hello.... this is she...." My mom then rushes out of the room. I get up to follow her.

"How?...Okay i'll be there in 20." My mom hangs up the phone and looks at me. 

"Is it dad?"

"No, it's Sarah." My mom's eyes started watering.

"What is it mom? Tell me." I started to cry.

"She got in a wreck. She is in critical condition." We both just stood there. Running the news through our heads. My mom breaks the silence.

"DUI." 

"How am I gonna..." 

"I will honey, just stay here." My mom goes back into the kitchen. Jackson walks out and sits next to me. 

"What's wrong sis?"

"Sarah got in a wreck. She was drunk. Mom went in there to tell Jams."

"What? Is she dead?"

"No just in critical condition."

Again we sat in silence. I waited for mom and Jams to walk out of the kitchen. 5 minutes later my mom walks out.

"We are leaving in 10." She makes her way up the stairs and I look back at the kitchen door. Jams was standing there. She was sobbing. I jump up and wrap my arms around her. Jackson leaves the room and follows mom upstairs.

Ten minutes later there we were, all soggy eyed and sniffling on the subway. We got off and walked toward the sign that said "HOSPITAL THIS WAY". My mom went to the front desk and Jams, Jackson, and I sit in the waiting room.

"May I help you?" The older looking lady behind the desk says.

"Um yes. Sarah O'Conner." The nurse looked at my mom.

"Please wait in the waiting room." My mom turned around and sat next to Jackson across from Jams and I.

We waited about 20 minutes until a doctor came up to my mom. 

"Family of Sarah O'Conner?" My mom nodded at the doctor. "Right this way."

We followed the doctor into the hallway. "She is in critical condition. She has fracture on the left side of her skull from the impact into the window. Her brain was bleeding but we fixed that in surgery." 

We walked into the hospital room. Sarah lifted her head up from the pillow. Jams runs over to her. "Bailey?"

"Yeah it's me sis."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, everyone has their escape from the world."

"Mine just was a little more dangerous."

It was sad to hear that Sarah's drinking was her escape from all of the pain. I turned around and realized my mom was gone. 

"Logan." I look back at Sarah. Her arms reaching out for me. I gave her a big hug.

"You can get through this kid. I believe you will kick cancer's ass." I was taken back by Sarah's use of language, but it only made me hug her tighter.

Then all the machines in the room started beeping. A bunch of doctors and nurses come in.