Beneath the Wave

How do you explain that to people?

-And when I sat among those other kids,

in the meeting room, or the day room-

I didn't know how to tell them that I had thoughts of hurting people-

That I had thoughts of hurting them. 

I didn't know how to explain that I didn't actually want to hurt them, because I didn't know if I did. 

All I knew was that I was having these thoughts that I couldn't control-

And they scared me enough to make me want to die. 

I was convinced that death was the better option than becoming something evil. 

And the question still rings clear in my head, even now;

If you were truly evil, Whitney, would you really care that you were?

-And so often I try to remind myself of this, 

but OCD is so much more stubborn than me-

It will latch onto a thought and not let go until I am convinced that I am an atrocity. 

How you explain that to people?