Beneath the Wave

Not me

I'm not alright. 

I'm okay, 

I'm fine,

but...not alright. 

It's hard to explain. 

I look back on my life and

see the little girl with a wide smile. The girl who had her pigtails lopsided and blue stains on her lips from eating too much candy,

And, She was alright. She was better than alright, she was alive. She was happy. She was confident in a mind and body that felt like her own. She was free.

I haven't been her in a really long time. 

I miss her. 

I know we all grow up eventually, and growing up obviously means changing. 

I didn't think I would turn into sadness. 

I haven't been me in so long. 

I suppose I've adjusted to my new reality. 

Most days I can at least say that i'm fine and mean it. I don't sob every night and pray for it to be over. 

I don't think about death as often as I used to. 

But this state i'm in now-

I feel a little like Persephone. 

She was a goddess of new life that was forced to be the queen of hell. 

I wonder how she must feel. 

I wonder if she can say she's fine too. 

Where has my freedom gone?

I cannot look at myself in the mirror without loathing what I see. I dare not make a scene because I fear what people would say. 

I leave my bed, but I don't want to. 

It's hard to be spring when you feel like death. 

This is my reality now-

A person a little too far out of place, looming a little too close to the edge for comfort. 

-And that little girl I used to be is a prisoner now. I've locked her up inside my head, hidden her away from a world too cruel for her to survive in. 

I hope that my own darkness never reaches her. If it does, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will truly be lost. 

I'm okay. 

I'm fine-

But I'm not me. 

***

...well, that's depressing. 

Don't mind me, I just have daily existential crisis's. I've actually gotten quite used to them now, I think it would be weird if they suddenly disappeared. 

Anyhow, this poem sucks! It's when I first started getting back into poetry and I was a lot more interested in just getting down how I felt rather than writing actual poems. Soooooo, don't judge it too harshly. :)