Who I've become (fiction)

Part 1

 This is me now no going back even if I wanted to I can't. I know a girl she's emo so so am i just for her. She gets bullied I reassure her that she's not what they call her. I try to talk to her but I'm just a friend. I love her talk. I love her walk. I love her hair. I love how she dresses. I love her eyes. I love her body. I love her, but I'm a her to.

It's never felt so right, never. I look into her eyes as they sparkle as we sit in the bright class. Her long thick black locks of hair shine in the light of the room. Her black clothing is comforting in the almost too bright room. Her purple earrings complimenting her eyes. It's the most perfect moment to kiss her then I remember were in the middle of class and I don't know if she loves me like that.

I don't want to be defined by the one word that destroyed my life. A 3 letter word that could ruin your life forever even if your not. That word tore me apart. I can not even write it. I have tried to change the way people look at me but because of that word, my life has fallen to pieces, and so has my heart. I will not be defined by the word gay.

I still can't say it out loud. What if someone hears? What if they hate me because of it? What if I lose? What happens when reality wins? Why does this have to be like this? What if they tell everyone? What happens if my parents find out? Can it be fixed? Whats wrong with me? Why me?

Who have I become?

I need answers, but they don't exist. And even if they are there they are lost. Or are they found and I'm lost? In the woods a place that is familiar yet not. The only place I feel I belong yet I am so out of place. Lost yet but I know exactly where I am. Found yet all alone. Lonely but not alone. Alone but not lonely. Yes but no. In yet out. Lost and somehow still found.

My questions are never-ending. But I can't ask them, who am I supposed to ask. Confused yet I get it. I understand yet I have many questions. I'm happy but yet depressed. Depressed yet happy. Scared but Safe. Safe but scared. I can't handle it, yet the pressures off. The pressures on and I can handle it. Gay yet straight. It's too much. 

Lost but found. Gay yet straight. Loved yet lonely. That's who I've become for now.

--A.N.--

Hope you enjoyed if so please vote and comment. I don't really know how to do A.N. so I think that's what you're supposed to write right? Well, thanks for reading this. There will be more parts coming later.