Who I've become (fiction)

Part 4

Why I try anymore is my biggest question. I'm already dead. It's not like anyone misses me. It's not like they ever will. Why I complain so much and not do anything to change it is my other question. I guess it's because there's only one thing to do. End it all. End my life.

It's not like anyone would care anyway. Not like they would remember me. If I died right now, My heart just stopped beating, would anyone do anything? Or would they leave me? Would I have a funeral or would people just forget all about me within seconds?

Loneliness is an empty back hole. That swallows you up and eats away at your heart. Leaving you in pieces. Broken. Damaged. Cursed to an endless life of being lonely. But just because your alone does not mean your lonely. Sometimes you need to be alone to find yourself. Other times you need to be loved to find others. Just because your lonely doesn't mean you're alone.

Alone, I'm alone in my room. I'm not alone at school but I'm lonely. Hiding my true feelings because the truth is to hard to talk about. All I want is him all he wants is me but we can't because my best friend likes him and i cannot betray her like that. She deserves him. I don't. Hiding behind a mask I tried so hard to build hoping people would like it. When I'm with him I can take my mask off and just be me.

Holding up a mask and wearing a costume all the time is tiring. When I'm with him I can strip off my fakeness and be me the real me that no one knows excuses anymore because I made the fake costume so good and put so much hard work into it that it seems real. Remember I'm not lying about who I am, I'm pretending to be someone else for other people sakes. No one likes the real me.

Falling into an endless hole of lies. Trying to claw my way out but it's not even worth trying. Once you fall in you can't get out. You can scream and shout but no matter how loud you are no one will hear even if they are there not really listening.

I need him. He says he likes me. But she deserves him. I have not told anyone I keep it all hidden away. So I don't put my pain on others it's not like it's that bad compared to others.