They say that admitting your illness is the first step towards working for the cure.
What if i have admitted that i am Ill, yet i want to live with it? It's not a matter of seeking attention or a craving for love. It's more of a feeling that makes me feel at home. This sadness, this anger is all I've ever known. Feeling tears built up yet not being able to cry? Have you ever felt that? The anticipation for a release, a release that never comes.
Or when your heart swells up and you feel it moving in your chest. You know it's impossible but you feel as if it's ready to claw its way out of you. It starts beating faster and faster as your breathing increases as well. Or when it's your first day awake or you're third. Sometimes sleep feels like a luxury. A treat that i crave yet almost never get. All of these feelings make me who i am.
I don't know what's wrong with me and i don't want to fix it.
Sinds we were little we've been thought to fear death. That it's a horrible thing. The end of a beautiful thing. The end of a life. Life has always been admired. From a recently bloomed flower to the first steps of a child. life has always been a sense of security for many.
Death on the other hand strikes fear. The not knowing of what lies ahead. The conspiracies of the relegious. We fear death because we fear the unknown. Yet for some reason we started fixating on it. people started asking questions. What lies beyond? is there a soul inside these carcasses of flesh and bone? Then we started getting more creative. What does it feel like to take someones life? Why would someone take another persons life? To be fair i never understood that phrase. "Taking a life" wheter it's your own or someone else's it's always been looked down uppon. I was young when i started my obsessions.
I started reading about murderous cannibalistic people like Albert Fish or Richard Chase. Their stories intrigued me, fascinated me. They are pure scum of the earth. Yet their psyche is one of the most intresting. No Remorse, no guilt, no sadness. The set a goal and reach for it even if they break themselves along the way. Every man wants to ve the last man standing. Creating a world for yourself. Have you ever tried that? Closing your eyes and drifting into a world just for you. A world in wich you're a completely different person, ofcourse. Well these men did the same. They'd fantasise about murder and the after math of. What makes us different from them? In the case of Albert fish was it abandonedment? The beatings at a poor decaying orphanage? Perhaps the rape? those who have endured the same as him have turned into men or women of faith. But he was a religious to. They both had something to hold on too. But he took it a different way. Why?
The understanding of his mind is impossible.
The understanding of my mind is impossible.
i like to believe that we are in some way kind of like fish.
Never alive.
Just less dead.
I bet you've had a sort of comfort. Reading this. Notice I've been using "we". people seem to find comfort in things that a larger group does. always saying "they do it too" or the classic "everyone does it".
to be fair, everyone has once fantasized of murdering someone.
But, just because everyone does it, does it make it okay?
It does.
We're mamals.
We're animals.
Animals hunt to survive. It's only your instinct poking threw.
Reminding us of we're we came from.
What a journey it was from a little bacteria, to walking human.
Or if you like to believe in adam and eve...well we all would like a fairy tale to come true.
You can believe in what you want in one way we all end up the same.
We end up dying.
A thought is like a little worm.
Once it's in you're brain it wriggels and wriggsels pushing that thought further into you're brain. That's why it's really difficult to change someone's mind once it's trully made.
Turns out that catchy slogan was right.
Once you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything.
And i mean anything.
Look at Charles Manson he wanted to get his message spread to the world. Or if your not familiar with Manson's work maybe you know a more famous revolutionist. Ever heard of Hitler? im guessing you heard his message loud and clear.
Maybe that's it.
A longing to be heard.
To be seen.
To be acknowliged.
We all want to be heard.
In our own ways.
