A journal entry
I don't even know what i feel anymore.
A loss of passion or an empty where my emotions used to lie. Whether it's because of people i have lost or what I've felt since before.
Nothing i draw brings me happiness.
Nothing i listen too makes me feel any kind of emotion.
Every time i joke about it.
But i feel like now i would actually do it.
........
It started at a very busy 4am.
I had just finished my studies and i went to get a crappy two hour sleep. I laid my head down and as i drifted away i heard something. A voice said my name.
Before i could react or respond, i had fallen asleep.
Then it started happening more and more as i fell asleep or as i was stressed. I thought it was that. Nothing else but stress. The voice started tellinge what to do or what to say. I don't view it as a mental health disease. I view it as a conversation with my self. An inner assurance of my further actions.
Maybe it's loneliness. I never know who to talk to about this voice. People say you can talk to them about anything but really, when you tell them these things are always the same.
Its either shock or a patronising " maybe you should see a therapist" or "focus on the happy things". It's society's go to for the misunderstood.
A
man who claimed "hearing voices" was acussed of murdering his wife. A Massachusetts man who said he heard voices telling him to kill his wife in 2015 has been found not guilty by reason of mental illness.
Timothy Gill, of Pittsfield, was sent to state psychiatric facility after a judge Wednesday issued the decision that followed a jury-waived trial last week.
The 39-year-old Gill was charged with murder for strangling 37-year-old Halena Irene Gill inside their apartment in December 2015.
Two mental health experts, one for the defense and one for the prosecution, testified that Gill was acutely mentally ill at the time.
Gill had a history of mental illness and was suffering from a form of schizophrenia and heard voices that convinced him his wife was responsible for killing the souls of babies and that she needed to be stopped.
Such an interesting story right?
now the part that intrigued me the most was that he was one hundred procent convinced that his wife was sucking the souls of babies. And there is one place if heard that before.
Lilith.
Lilith is a figure in jewis mythology, she's a creature of the night who steals babies or their souls. Lilith was rumoured to be Adam's first wife. She could not have children and was in that case useless for Adam.
Since in the beginning of time there were only them and they were trying to populate the entire earth. Now going by the "Adam and Eve theory" we are all incest babies. Because it started with Adam and Eve, then they had children and then the whole Cain and Abel dilema begun. Cain and Abel are the first two sons of Adam and eve.
The brothers made sacrifices to God each of his own produce, but God favored Abel's sacrifice instead of Cain's. Cain then murdered Abel, whereupon God punished Cain to a life of wandering.That's the first theory. The other one is that Cain and Abel wanted to make Eve (their mother) their wife. But Eve favoured Abel because he was younger and looked stronger. So Cain got jealous and murdered his brother for his mother's hand in matrimony. And then God punished him to a life of lonesome wandering for murdering his brother. He was then marked with a curse. The curse being: if someone did something to harm Cain, the damage would come back sevenfold. Wich doesn't really make any sense for God to mark him with a curse that would protect him if what he really wanted to do was punish him.
But then again inconsistentcy in the Bible is not really a surprise anymore. okay here we go more inconsistentcy.
Adam and Eve where the first humans and needed to populate the earth right? Well....
After a bit of Cain's wandering he came upon the land of Nod.
That was already populated. (sips tea). Where he got married and had a son named Enoch. Who did he mary? One of his twin sister Awan. Afterwards a city was born named Enoch who nobody knows who build it. It was either Enoch built a city and named it after himself or Cain built a city and named it after his son. Ontop of all this mess there's Awan. So Cain murders his brother because his mom wouldn't mary him, he gets cursed by God and has to wander the earth for the rest of his life. Cain moved to a new land.
What did Awan do follow him? After she saw all that Awan followed his brother to the land of Nod to bare his children?
Not only is she his sister but she's his twin. After this Enoch had to be a wealthy man because he had not one, not ten but seventy seven children.
According to some Hebrew and Islamic scholars, the reason Cain’s heart was not righteous was because of a woman: their sister, Awan. It is believed that Awan was intended for Abel, but Cain fell in love with her. This can be seen in the Book of Jubilees. Adam & Eve had nine (9) children. And this is where the story takes an interesting turn. Genesis, by the way, has no problems with incest, specifically brothers an sisters marrying. That is because there is no other option at this point. So, from this point of view, God has favored Abel in both marriage AND sacrifice.
Which raises more questions as to why if Abel was meant for Awan, the why go after his mother? Why cause trouble?
And why did Cain if he truly loved Awan, go after his mother.
Eve in some theory wasn't even the first woman to be made. To first woman to ever exist was Lilith, and Lilith was and is known to be the symbol of true female beauty. So it couldn't have been because of Eve's looks.
Maybe all this was, was just to kids fighting for mother's attention. Maybe if God hadn't favoured Abel but thanked them both equally, Cain would have never felt jealous of his brother. Maybe that's all we need these days, a bit more of equality.
