neverland『 jikook 』

ᅳnine

LOST PARADISE

❝i turned the last page that is written about us but i have no courage to read it❞

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"january 1 2018

jimin hyung invited me and my mother to a new year's eve party. a lot of teenagers were there but so were adults. i refused to leave my mom's side, knowing people might say or do horrible things to her because of the shame my father has brought into our family. the news of my dad being taken to the authorities spread like wildfire in my school as soon as it happened. and i never really paid much attention to it because jimin hyung always found a way to distract me.

nevertheless, jimin hyung's parents tried convincing me that they'd take care of my mom for me. i wouldn't have agreed to it had jimin hyung not convinced me himself that his parents are humans with pure souls and would absolutely do nothing to hurt me or my mother.

so i acceeded to their wishes and left with jimin hyung to meet the other kids our age outside at the swimming pool. yoongi and taehyung were there. and so were other kids i knew from our classes.

i was really happy that jimin hyung held my hand in the beginningᅳnaive i was for thinking it would last for the rest of the nightᅳuntil he let go before any of the kids could even see us.

so many people started greeting him, patting him on the back, wrapping their arms around him, ruffling his hair, yelling his name and whatnot. i saw him glance at me a few times, but he never called me to come over to him and his friends. so i stood there, like an idiot, staring at the people having fun in the pool.

i didn't want to spend the whole evening like that, especially not to admit to myself that i just left my mom inside the house for nothing. so i removed my shirt and dove right into the pool. i swam for several minutes, talking to no one but myself in my head. how stupid it was to choose to go to a party over spending the new year's eve all alone with my mother. i mean, she and i had finally just gotten free of the monster who claimed to love us but ruined our lives with that same fucked up "love", yet that didn't even cross my mind when jimin hyung came to me with that smile on his face that gets me every single time and asked me if i wanted to go to the party.

the swimming helped a little though. i haven't really had a time of silence on my own for quite a while. i mean, parties aren't exactly the best silent places, but if you learn how to tune out all the other peoples' voices and just stare into the nightsky while you float on the water, you can actually feel pretty calm and safe.

well, that was until taehyung jumped right next to me, almost drowning me. he apologized when he saw how horrified i must've looked like, but still, he was laughing.

we talked for quite some time after that until he somehow convinced me to get drinks for the two of us. i told him i don't drink and never have, but he was all like, "it's a new year, jungkook. live your life! enjoy your youth, kid! don't be such a pussy and get us drinks!"

"i don't even know which one to get."

"you know what, jungkook? go wild! choose whatever sparks your interest! you're a free man!"

and so i found myself getting out of the pool and off to the drinks stand. i didn't even notice jimin hyung was just a few feet away from me until i heard his voice.

"what? no! why would i like jungkook like that? he's like a little brother to me!"

and right at that moment, i felt like i just got stabbed in the heart.

brother?

brothers don't kiss each other like that.
brothers don't sleep together.
brothers don't promise to marry one another."

"holy fuck." jimin was now back at the hotel. after having taken a warm shower for a good few minutes, he continued reading where he left off.

he could remember that night like the back of his hand. and it's safe to say, that was one of the worst nights of his life. though nothing compared to when he was woken up by a call from jungkook's mother to bring him the tragic news of jungkook's death just a month and a half later.

"so me being the stupid me, i accidentally dropped the glass i took from one of the butlers at the drinks stand, attracting jimin hyung and the others' attention.

i didn't need to look at him to see he was sorry. a part of me knew he didn't mean it. but the other part of me also hated him for lying."

jimin threw the diary on his bed, stood up to get a bottle of water from his backpack and chugged it all down in one shot. once he was done, he threw it across the room and sat back down on the edge of his bed, staring out into the citylights outside his window.

they never talked about it. because the days that came after that night...were just the beginning of the countdown. and it must be silly to blame himself or to even think that one little mistake could've been the first domino to fall, but who's to say it wasn't?

oh, right. jungkook. and the words written on his diary.

but jimin knew never to trust the younger's words so why did he? why did he trust jungkook when he said he'd never leave him?

out of stupid love, that is. because someone somewhere out there said that love is the most fragile when trust isn't there. but what about life then? what if not being able to take someone for their word could actually save them from making the worst mistake they could ever make?

that night...that was the last entry in jungkook's diary. nothing else after that but empty pages. it couldn't have been the reason jungkook took his own life, right? how can anyone kill themself over such a stupid, little misunderstanding?

jungkook didn't. jimin knows he didn't.

jungkook didn't wake up on the 14th of february and decided to jump off a cliff just because jimin told some kids at school that they weren't dating.

it must've been so much more than that.

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❝i am your peter pan, i will erase the sad words❞