Air Ball

XVII: No Hesitations, No Limitations

JILL

"I lied." I said to him when we sat down on one of the huge mattresses in the garden, facing the bay.

"You asked me before why my ex and I broke up. Sabi ko differences. That wasn't exactly true." I inhaled deeply before continuing. "Our relationship was fake. It was just a bet that I knew nothing about."

"Nainis ako sa sarili ko nun because I've been so weak. My brother left for college and my parents weren't really there so I held on to the first person who showed me the slightest affection. Ang pathetic ko no?" I laughed bitterly.

"I forgave him naman, before we graduated. Ang di ko lang mapatawad nun yung sarili ko. Naka-move on na ako sakanya pero sa nangyari hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam. It really affected the way I viewed myself." I remembered that dark time of my life. My first heartbreak wasn't like how I read them on romance novels. It was worse. The fact that I was the one who invested a lot of emotions meant I was the one who got hurt the most. I don't even think he got hurt when I confronted him about it. My only consolation was, he lost the bet since we didn't last eight months.

"Nagmukha akong tanga, kahit na ang kasalanan ko lang naman nagmahal ako. Nung bata ako, idealistic ako to the point that I became naive. Akala ko it was that easy to find Prince Charming. Na once you meet him you'll run off to 'happily ever after'. I thought siya na yun. Then reality had to step in." I sighed at the memory when my views about love were shattered.

"That's why I have a hard time trusting people again. Kaya mahirap sakin magpakita ng emotion kasi nadala ako. My self-esteem and self-worth crashed like a plane. I'm sorry na wala ka namang kasalanan pero ikaw yung affected. I'm telling you all this kasi you deserve to know why I'm like this. May mga issues ako na no matter how hard I try to ignore it, bumabalik siya." I looked at him and he had this guilty expression on his face.

"Ginawa mo rin ba yun dati, Jeric?" I asked him with a soft tone.

He looked everywhere except my eyes and he nodded. I was surprised but I kind of expected it. He told me once he did things he wasn't proud of and maybe that was one.

"Ano pa? I want to know. And if you have anything you want to ask me, I'll answer it. Everyone has been telling me to be open to you, and I know I should be." I said to him, trying to make my voice encouraging. To be honest, I'm scared of what will come out of this conversation but I realized it's not going to help me overcome my issues if I have a lot of questions about him in my head.

For the first time, I've seen Jeric look uncomfortable with me. He must really be having a hard time figuring out what to say after what I revealed to him. I held his hand and smiled reassuringly, telling him that it's just me and that I'll try to keep my mind as open as possible.

"If you have known me before, you would have stayed away from me. Nagagalit ako sa ex mo sa ginawa niya sayo, pero ang hypocrite ko naman nun." He shook his head. "Jill, I did everything you would expect from a playboy and more. Nakikipagpustahan ako that I could get a girl in one week or kung ano timeline na ibibigay. Or that kaya ko magsabay-sabay ng tatlo or hanggang ilan. I lied, I cheated, I fooled around. I played with feelings. I was a very big jerk."

"Nahihiya ako sa mga pinaggagawa ko. Nahihiya ako sayo na nalaman mo 'to. But sila Drew, sabi nila you deserve to know everything. And I also gave my word to your dad and brother that I would always be honest to you. Right now, natatakot ako na magbago tingin mo sakin." I felt his hand squeeze mine but we were both looking straight ahead.

"When I saw how broken my sister was, galit na galit ako sa sarili ko. Naisip ko na baka karma ko yun pero sana ako nalang yung nasaktan." There was hurt and bitterness in his voice.