Friends "Drama Series"

Pilot

Season 1, Episode 1

Script:

Artemis Fowl: *says to audience* "I hate my life. I mean look at this dumbass." *clips of Erik with Artemis Fowl*

"Such a stalker. Since Middle School! Fuck my life. Now let's watch the last moments that lead to my miserable death." *gives a thumbs down and sticks out tongue and rolls eyes*

*quickly pans to next scene*

Erik: *on the ground begging* "Artemis Fowl! Artemis Fowl! Please...come back! You're my everything!" *he exclaims loudly over the crowd at the grocery store*

*an elderly man walks into the aisle that they are in and is silently observing the situation*

Artemis Fowl: *annoyed* " I'm just going to use the bathroom." *said in a matter-of-fact voice. Walking away.*

*man pretends to look at items*

Erik: *sobbing* "Aren't you going to stay with me?!" *stopping her in her tracks.*

*man slowly brings cart out of the aisle*

Artemis Fowl: *slightly embarrassed by Erik* "Do you want me to pee in my pants?" *turning around with her hands on her hips.*

Erik: *thinks* " That would be disgusting. So.. No?" *not deciding his answer.*

*Man peeks over his shoulder while leaving*

Artemis Fowl: "Yes, No!" *she yells certifying his statement.*

Erik: "You're staying?" *in a voice of hope and a sweet smile.*

Artemis Fowl: "You know what? I'm feeling hungry." *smirking evilly*

Erik: "You are? What can I get for you?" *pulls out a notepad and pen.*

Artemis Fowl: "I want a bag of Brussels sprouts with a flavoring inside."

Erik: "What flavor?" *scribbles on notepad*

Artemis Fowl: *pauses to think and he leans in to listen* "Cupcake flavored. With sprinkles shaped like Tinkerbell." *smiling brightly*

Erik: "Anything for you." *scribbles paper again and gives a cheesy grin then walks away*

*commercial break*

Artemis Fowl: "Thank you! And Hallelujah. He's gone!"

Erik: "I'm back!" *grinning*

Artemis Fowl: "Darn it." *she mutters under her breath, she thinks 'Already? Did he get it?'*

Erik: "What? You know that there is no such thing as cupcake flavored Brussels sprouts."

Artemis Fowl: *cheesy, unconvincing grin* " Nothing." *she interrupted*

Erik: "Do you need to tell me something?" *getting curious*

Artemis Fowl: *blinks* "Squirrel!" *points behind him*

Erik: *turns around* "Where?"

Artemis Fowl: *speeds away like Road Runner and dances around* "I'm FREE!"

Erik: "Where are you? I'll find you.." *eyes dashing around the store*

Artemis Fowl: "Stalker Alert!" *runs to car, phone rings*

Erik: " Afro Circus, Afro Circus. Polkadot, polkadot, polkadot. Afro!" *shouts through phone*

Artemis Fowl: *looks through window of her Audi she's in, not thinking of starting the engine* "Are you following me???" *dials 911*

Phone: " 911. What's your emergency?"

Artemis Fowl: "I want to file a restraining order. For Erik. He's a stalker. I need HELP!!!!!"

Phone: "We just need you to confirm yourself and your location..."

Erik: *comes running stops and knocks on the window* "Are you leaving? Why?"

Artemis Fowl: " You're so glued to me. Go Away!"

Erik: "I'm glued? You agreed to this relationship."

Artemis Fowl: "Bye!" * starts car and drives off*

Erik: *duh/sad face*

Phone: "Ma'am? Hello?"

*30 minutes later, she arrives at a hotel*

Artemis Fowl: *walks to front desk* "What is the cheapest room for a night here?"

Clerk: "What is your highest price for one night?" *grinning politely, eyes fixed on her body*

Artemis Fowl: *scavenges through purse and pulls out wallet, counting her dollars* "150." *ignores him staring at her...well...*

Clerk: "We have a room on the eighth floor. Is that fine for you?"

Artemis Fowl: "Yeah, it's fine."

Clerk: "The room is 807, here is the key. Umm... did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" *hands Artemis Fowl a card*

Artemis Fowl: "No, but I broke a few nails climbing out of hell, thank you sir." *speed walks to elevators, presses button, waits, enters and looks down the window.*

*ding* *she scans the door labels and repeats "807" finds it and swipes card at scanner, scanner blinks green and she enters*

*5 minutes later*

Artemis Fowl: "Work you stupid TV! Work! I want to watch 'Lassie' and you won't turn on!"

Annabeth: *knocks quietly*

Artemis Fowl:*Opens door slowly, thinking 'Please don't be Erik.' Crossing her fingers*

Annabeth: "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I can't focus on my book with you causing all this racket. So... stop yelling! Please?"

Artemis Fowl: "This STUPID.. TV will not TURN ON!!!! I can't watch my TV show on it and don't have anything better to do. Thanks to THAT!" *gestures to TV* "or my alleged 'boyfriend' will come whining again." *sarcastic/menacing eye roll*

Annabeth: "How is your so called 'boyfriend' fit into this?" *gesturing to the TV*

Artemis Fowl: "I have to stay at this hotel because he is a sadistic STALKER," *she yells* " and found out where I live." *thinks* "He did come to invite me to his Batman Themed birthday party. What a kid. He's 23!"*

Annabeth: "How obsessed is he?!?!" *getting curiouser each minute*

Artemis Fowl: "Enough to make me wish he was taller so I could easily strangle him." *Cheerful tone*

Annabeth: "As in kick him where the sun don't shine?" *smirking*

Artemis Fowl: "If you mean he will never have kids when I'm done with him, then yes. I could definitely do that." *Pauses to imagine mini Eriks running around (shudders violently)*

Annabeth: "I'll show you how to use your TV. I'm an expert on this. Meaning that I've been staying here for a month."

Artemis Fowl: "It actually turns on?" *jaw drops in amazement* "You are the holy mother of TVs"

Annabeth: *laughs*

Artemis Fowl: "I need my 'drama'" *pauses, laughter in background, winks*