santana and brittany

santana the freshman

Santana's Point of View (I promise, Brittany's point of view is coming soon!)

"Wait," Brittany paces back and forth, "tell me what happened again, from the beginning."

I smack my lips, "I already told you twice.

"I need to hear it three times." she sits next to me, on the edge of my bed, and gives me her full attention

I let out a deep breath, "We were making out and he started to get touchy. Then we started arguing about sex and then he brought you up and that's when he said he knew about my secret. I found out he was also using me for credit around school."

"Credit for what? Isn't he on the varsity team for football?"

"That's not enough for boys. They need to be able to say they're sleeping with the head cheerleader or something." I roll my eyes, "It's stupid."

When I called Brittany I told her everything that happened and she came over right away, wanting to actually talk about it in person.

"Now what?"

I shrug my shoulders, "Next is mis padres y mi abuela."

"Are you scared?" She grabs my hand and gives it a light squeeze

"Hell yeah." I look up at her and she grins, "But it's gonna be okay because in the end, we're gonna be together." She smiles, "I was thinking I could tell them Sunday." I bite down on my bottom lip hoping she thinks it's a good idea

Her eyes widen, "That's two days away. Are you sure your ready for that?"

"No, but I'm gonna have to do it sooner than later."

I don't know how my parents are gonna take it. When you have a baby you hope that your baby is gonna marry someone of the opposite sex. Not every parent wants their baby girl or boy to be "gay." My parents really like, or I should say liked, me and Noah. Him and my dad would watch sports together whenever he came over Sunday nights for dinner and him and my mom would bake together but how are they gonna feel about me and Britt?

Don't get me wrong. They love Brittany. She's the only friend of mine they don't have to pretend to like. She doesn't have to ask to spend the night cause they already expect that she's gonna sleep over if she comes. They always tell her to go in the fridge or pantry whenever she's hungry and they let her shower here. MY PARENTS DOESN'T LET ANYBODY OTHER THAN A LOPEZ SHOWER IN THE LOPEZ HOUSE.

We haven't even had the talk about me being attracted to the same sex because they just suspect me to be straight and that's the problem. Parents suspect their kids to be straight so they don't talk about it to them. I could understand why they would suspect that with me because they think I'm every boys dreams.

My mom's side being black and my dad's being hispanic makes me an Ethnic Barbie. But there's some things that we only keep in the Lopez house.

My eating disorder.

That's just not something you bring up. Like 'oh yeah, did you know that little sweet Tana here is anorexic?' Nobody wants to hear that because it's sad, depressing, and as my mom says, 'it's some white people shit.'

It started freshman year. To me, I was fat compared to everyone else and I thought that if I wanted to be head cheerleader, and be on the top of the pyramid, I would have to loose some weight...fast.

So I wouldn't eat. My mom would give me money and I would pocket it and save it for the mall or she would make me a lunch and I would either toss it or give it to someone else. I thought throwing up would make it easier but the thought of it made me want to throw up.

Doing that plus gym class and cheer practice really helped me, not in a positive way though. But as this was going on, I never actually felt good about myself. I knew that what I was doing wasn't a game but I wanted it to be. I liked being able to control what goes on with me. That's the one thing I had power over and I didn't use it properly and I suffered the consequences.

One day during cheer practice, I passed out from dehydration, as they say but me and my doctor knew what it really was. Dr. Brown asked my mom to step out and he asked me what I've eaten and I told him nothing. She then asked what did I eat yesterday and the day before and I replied by saying nothing. She stopped after I said nothing when she asked me what did I eat last week.

She sat there trying to decide if I was anorexic or bulimic and I didn't know what either of those were. I thought I was just starving myself.

She asked my mom to come back in and she told her about how her fourteen year old daughter is anorexic. You would expect my mom to cry but she just stood there, nodding her head and because of that I thought it wasn't a big deal. So I kept going.

The table we had dinner at had drawers on the sides. So when no one was looking I would put the food in there to make it look like I ate, and then later on I would get it out and put it in the trash. But one day I forgot and mom found it. She cams running into my room asking "Why are you like this?" and "What's wrong with you?" I broke down into tears and started sobbing very loudly causing my dad to come into my room too.

My mom held me in her arms and my dad held us in his arms. Mom whispering how she's sorry she "can't help me" and how she "doesn't understand" while my dad whispers "everything's going to be okay" to my mom. And we lauded there. Everyone crying.

After that, my parents got me a therapist and I went to go the doctor every other day and I started to get better. My parents took me off of the cheer team and didn't let me join again till sophomore year, which meant I had to work my way back up the pyramid.

As time went on, I ate but I ate a little. I stopped seeing the doctor because they said  "Santana is overcoming her sickness." I dont think you can just get over that. It stays with you as a constant reminder of who and what you are.

I still have troubles eating today. I eat but I don't eat right. I eat for a maximum of two days and then I'll starve for three. I'll eat for two, then starve for three. I go see my therapist every Wednesday night to talk about my eating disorder and about anything else I have trouble with. So yes, me and Dr. Schultz talk about me coming out.

I don't tell people because I don't wanna people to watch me when I do or don't eat and I know that if I tell Brittany, she's gonna constantly be on my ass about it and I don't want her to look at me differently.

So, I just keep it to myself.

"I'm gonna invite my abuela over and I'm gonna cook for the four of you on Sunday."

"The four of you? So I'm gonna be here too?" She asks as if she didnt want to be here for this big moment

"Of course. Your gonna help me cook and your gonna be here for moral support." I say with a big smile on my face and she laughs, "So your spending the night tonight, tomorrow your gonna help me prepare what I'm going to say to everyone, and then you'll come back Sunday afternoon to help me cook."

She pecks my lips, "I love you." She whispers and I feel my stomach tighten in a good way

"I love you too."