𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐋. hq

〔1st set〕: melon pan

影山 飛雄
m i k i k o i z u m i
— year 2 class 3 —

               For as long as I could remember, I have always liked Kozume Kenma.

At first, we talked out of purely platonic intentions. I was just nine years old and I could really use a new friend. I was naive back then, to think that I would have settled for 'just friends'.

At first, it was just a coincidence. We were seat mates, not to mention our last names were pretty alike. Not to mention the fact that their high school volleyball coach happened to be my grandfather.

At first, I couldn't believe it. I tried to remind myself that this was Kozume Kenma, my childhood friend, the kid I played with since elementary, one of my best friends. But as time passed, as we hung out, as we grew closer, I got a lot more attached than I should've been.

He was the first person I didn't have to act differently with in order to feel appreciated. He was the first person who would think first about other people's opinions, regardless of what he wanted. He was the first real person, who didn't have to try hard to be truthful when it came to me. No matter how I acted, I knew Kenma was the type of person who would accept me for it, and he was always there to listen.

At first glance, Kenma wasn't the type to earn anyone's attention. There was a point wherein he was even belittled by rival teams, even belittled by his very own seniors. But if you dug deep enough, you would be able to realize that Kozume Kenma was truly a hidden gem, and he might as well be a diamond at that.

It didn't matter if we'd have to stay friends forever. It didn't matter if he liked someone else. I couldn't bear the thought of loosing him and seeing him happy was more than enough for me.

It was supposed to be, until now.

               "I got myself a girlfriend" Kuroo tells us as we head home that night, and I couldn't help but stop in my tracks due to surprise.

How lucky, I wanted to say. I could barely admit my very own feelings and I knew what the odds were for them to be mutual.

"Congratulations," I tell him instead, giving him a cheeky grin to show my genuine affection.

"Thanks" the other male tells me happily as if he earned my blessing.

"Who confessed to who?" I couldn't help but ask to which Kuroo tells me casually, "She did".

"Said she liked me for awhile now. I thought I'd give it a go" he explains as I nod understandingly.

How lucky, I thought once again, jealousy settles in my stomach as I yearn to do the same thing she did. As if Kenma would, I quote, "give it a go", my subconscious tells me. If only it were that easy.

More than anything, he was more invested in his video games than a real person. More than anything else, I wasn't the type he'd like back, and I knew that the most.

"Speaking of which" Kuroo adds, "I kept telling her about you guys, she said she's looking forward to meeting you two".

"The feeling is mutual" I tell him, "I can't wait to meet her".

▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬ ▬

               That night, as Kuroo headed home, I stayed over at Kenma's for a bit, in order to beat the current level of this game we were on.

"You were awfully quiet" I couldn't help but point out as soon as we head to his room. I sat on one of the beanbags that settled on the floor as he laid on his bed comfortably.

"Was not"

"Was too"

"I'm just not the type of person to talk about those stuff" he brushes me off as he scavenges the room for another controller.

Sure you aren't, I figured, if you were, this would be so much easier.

"Aren't you lonely though?" I ask, knowing how he must've felt so even just a tad bit.

"Are you?" He returns the question, looking at me straight in the eye. I could've turned crimson right that moment.

Instead I say, "of course, I am".

"To think that our Kuroo isn't ours anymore. Surely he'd be walking her home, and we would barely see him in break. I'll miss him a lot" I imagine the possible scenarios of Kuroo sticking around his girlfriend for a change.

"You talk about him as if he's a fallen soldier" he tells me handing me a controller as he plugs in the device and puts the disc in.

"Who knows, tonight could be the last time we head home with Kuroo" I tell him realizing how it'll result to some alone time with Kenma, and ultimately realizing how fucked I was.

If we weren't friends, I was the type Kenma couldn't bear with the most. I was nosy, boisterous and obnoxious even. I'm sure the male was fed up with me as fed up as much as I was with myself.

               "Ah!" I realize a moment later as a huge 'game over' appears on my side of the screen.

"You're spaced out" he states, only to ask once again, "Does it really bother you that much?".

"Well not that much. I just have a lot on my mind" I clear up the misunderstanding as Kenma moves closer than before.

"Well, it seems to me, you always have a lot on your mind" he tells me. "You can always tell me anything. You know that, right?".

I wanted to tell him how wrong he was. I wanted to tell him that even if I really appreciated the sentiment, this was definitely not something I could openly speak about.

It took double the amount of courage to overcome that wall, it took more that what I had and sometimes I'd like to admit I couldn't take it.

I am in love with Kozume Kenma, but I dare not to speak up about it.