Have Hope

Chapter 16

"You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself." Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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Chapter Sixteen

Olivia felt a considerable weight lift off of her shoulders having told Kit about her childhood. She meant every word. She knew she was not the easiest child. She knew that her mother would have adored to have a little girl who liked being measured for dresses, who enjoyed shopping for hats and husbands, and who simply did as she was told.

But that was not who she was, and perhaps naively, she had always presumed her parents would be there. They had never shown her an ounce of support for her interests, nor given her praise or even great affection, but they were still her parents, the only ones she had, and she loved them. Was it really such a high price to ask that they love her too?

Apparently so.

Olivia liked that she had been able to share the pain she had experienced with Kit. She felt as though he understood her properly, and could grasp where her ambitions had come from, and why she behaved the way she did. She was also quietly glad that his feelings towards her had not seemed to change. He still held her in high esteem, and he still watched her and gazed at her with the same admiration that he has since shortly after they had met for the second time ... or perhaps even the first time, when they were children.

Part of Olivia enjoyed his attentions. She adored his attentions. They made her feel accepted for the first time in her life. That feeling was addicting. It drew her to Kit in a way she had never been drawn to anybody in her life.

But the other part of Olivia, the rational, progressive part of Olivia, resisted these attentions. She knew there was only one way in which such attentions could end. Olivia's reputation, not that she cared, but she knew Kit did, was tarnishing by the day. A gentleman like Kit would only allow their expedition to end in one way.

Marriage. Of course, they had not discussed it, and every time their conversations turned remotely towards the subject of feelings Olivia immediately diverted it. Marriage meant being a wife, and Olivia had no desire for such a life.

She only had to look at her mother for an example of what life she did not want. Ruth's concerns centred on her own position in society, her husband's career advancement, ordering around servants, possessing the latest fashions, village gossip, and once, they centred on raising her daughter to be exactly like her.

Olivia had more desire to remove her own toenails then to end up like that.

But still, that feeling of acceptance was addicting, and it almost made her want to forget her objections for a while.

But another feeling started to brew in Olivia's heart in the following weeks. A feeling that was not so kind.

Kit's popularity had reached parliament come November. The weather was changing, but Kit's momentum was only increasing. Lawrence Powell's character attacks were futile at this point. The wealthy were attracted to Kit's ability to negotiate, but the Tories in London were attracted to Kit's youth and energy. So much so that he was starting to receive invitations from powerful people in the party. He was invited to attend dinners, to attend gentleman clubs and smoking parties.

But there was only ever one invitation. Olivia was not welcome. And so an evil feeling started to stew.

Jealousy.

In between invitations, Kit still campaigned as normal. He and Olivia still spent time in Hertford and the surrounding villages, conversing with people who had concerns. Kit toured the schools and the surveyed the working conditions, and Olivia collected the female perspective, and spoke to girls and mothers, all of whom were excited at the possibility of better opportunities at the school.