In Between Days: Raising Jordan (boyxman)✅

I Wanna Be Sedated

Jamie

Thor. The little shit told me I aspired to be Thor. Damn, that kid was irritating. He also happened to be fascinating at the same time, which was equally irritating.

For some reason, I cared what Jordan thought of me. He was a weird kid, maybe one of the strangest boys I'd ever met, but there was something very intriguing about him. It also didn't hurt that he was cute as anything with his dark hair of thick messy curls and matching dark brown eyes. He had two adorable dimples and great taste in music.

I didn't want to look like a comic book character. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realized that the weird boy was right. Together with my shoulder length hair and facial stubble, I sort of did look like Thor. No, I don't aspire to be Thor, I thought to myself, taking the scissors to my hair. One snip, then another. I'd done this before, about five years ago after I broke up with Dan. Actually, he broke up with me. He told me I was nothing but a child in a man's body. Maybe he was right.

Before Dan, I went out with Jennifer for a few months, but only after my boyfriend of four years, Gavin (Tim said two years, but it was closer to four), the love of my life, died of diabetic complications. He was cursed with juvenile diabetes, even had a kidney transplant, which failed...obviously. He was on dialysis, but his body gave out in the end. If he hadn't died, I was sure we'd still be together. Anyway, I basically shaved off my hair after Gavin died and cut off all my hair again after Dan broke up with me (I had a habit of growing my hair, then impulsively and drastically cutting it all off).

In my life, I only had four girlfriends: Alyssa was my first when I was fourteen. We didn't do much except hold hands, go to the mall, stuff like that. Then there was Elena when I was seventeen. She was the lucky one who had to put up with my first awkward sexual experience (note the sarcasm. I'd call her unlucky). We went out for about five months and even went to the Prom together. We broke up shortly after. Then there was Jennifer whom I went out with for two months after the Dan break up, and finally Gina whom I actually moved in with, more for convenience to split the rent because it's expensive to live in Boston. We lived together for about six months until Gina found out I was sleeping with another man. I wasn't even in love with Brendan, but who was I kidding? I definitely preferred men over women. Brendan wasn't the only man I had been with during the time I was with Gina. She found that out, too, so it was really no wonder why she packed up all my shit and left it outside the apartment door for me to pick up after I got home from work.

Maybe I should just suck it up and say, "I'm gay." It's not like I was embarrassed about it. I guess I always thought it would be easier to be straight. It's just that a part of me really wanted a so-called normal life yet, and for the longest time, I didn't equate being gay as being normal. I never cheated on a man, but I almost always cheated on a woman because she couldn't give me what I wanted or needed. Even when I first went out with Alyssa, I had my eyes on this senior, Remy Desrossiers. Nothing happened and we never even met (in person, anyway). I just knew I liked him. That's when I imagined what it would be like to kiss the tall dark and handsome Tom Brady wannabe. I didn't actually sleep with a man until college. That's another story for a different day.

Looking down at the floor, I observed clumps of dirty blond locks scattered all over the floor. Oh well. It'll grow back, I thought to myself. With Tim's clippers, I buzzed the back and sides, leaving the top long, flipped over and parted to the side. My hair looked darker except for the top bit that was blonder than the rest. As I admired myself in the mirror, I wondered if my mother would recognize me now since I hadn't had my hair this short in a long time. For a minute I almost regretted my impulsive actions, but what's done was done.

After sweeping up my hair, I decided to go raid Tim's stash and went outside to the back porch to have a smoke. As I sat on the porch, the back screen door opened and Tim's cute, weird brother appeared. Turning my head to see him, I swore he blushed as he walked out and sat down beside me.