My Twisted, And Somewhat Dark, Life

Over (long)

So a couple of weeks ago me and A were talking through a friend of mine since I couldn't bare not knowing who he actually loved. Now some of you may think, oh it's obvious who he loves since he has a girlfriend. Well it wasn't that simple. You see the week before this we were talking about us. Like us us. During that talk he was saying that he wasn't happy and wished to have me back. (He didn't say that but he did say that he wanted to hold me, cuddle, and kiss me so that's why I took it like that) I also told him that I missed being with him too and that I loved him, to which he responded that he loved me too.
Fast forward to a week later, I was having a breakdown since I needed to know who he actually was in love with, me or her. I already knew that he didn't really love one of us because if he loved her then he wouldn't be thinking about doing those things with me, and if he loved me then he wouldn't still be with her. Thus my confusion and panic. So I texted my best friend and asked her to talk to him for me since I'm not the type of person to being up issues like that and I was already scared. She was telling me what he was saying to her and at first he was saying that he loved both me and his GF, which made O have to be more straightforward since she saw that I was in a lot of pain.
Later he says that he loved his GF, not me. Heartbroken, I confronted him asking why he didn't tell me sooner, why did he tell me all the stuff he told me before, why did he have to give me hope, and if he even meant what he said about loving me. He said that he didn't think that he did. Confused by what he meant by he didn't THINK that he meant it, I asked him. Then he told me something that I still don't understand, "I got my fantasy mixed up with my reality". After a few minutes the conversation ends and we go to bed since it's about midnight or so and we're both drained emotionally and just wanted to sleep it off.
So that's what's been going on, I'm doing somewhat better I think, since I've been just really really numb these last few days and I bruised myself during one of my more darker/suicidal days (I don't cut anymore, even though it is really tempting some days. Instead I snap rubber bands on my skin as hard as I can, thus the small bruises). But despite this though, I've been very slowly getting over him and now I don't know what I want in a lover anymore.

Idk

Thank you Lovers for reading this extra long update!!!

Bye~~~!!!