Kevin Hart Life Story

Are You Done

*Holy shit, it's been ages since I continued this. I am so sorry for keeping you all waiting and thank you for reaiding this far. I didn't know this book would get so popular with just three fucking chapters. Enjoy!*

Crazy women always want to tell you want you did. They want to run down the story.

"Let me tell you why you fucked up. Let me tell you why you. Fucked. Up.

"Last night you come in here, you a little drunk, you a, little tipsy. You decide to go to sleep on the couch. You take your pants off, you put your pants on the floor. Something told me. Something. Told. me. Soemthing was like 'girl, go through his pants.' I was like, 'alright.' So, I get up, I go through your pants, found a reciete. You had a reciete in your pants for some gas. But it wasn't any old conic gas, it was regular gas. That's funny, I'm with you all the time. I've never seen you use regualr gas."

Ladies let me ask you a question. Why is it that whenever you argue with your man, when you repeat yourself, the second time you say it, you get loud as shit as if you solved the case?

"That's funny, I've never seen you use regular gas. I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU USE REGULAR GAS!

"You know who put regular gas in the car? That regular bitch that you's was with. That's who put the regular gas in the car. Shut your ass up! Shut up! You caught, you piece of shit. Look at you. You got glitter all over your face, mix-matched socks."

Now ladies, let meexplain something to you. 99% of the time you're right. That 1% where you're worng, that's the day men live for. Men live for the day where we can make you look dumb as shit. That's our goal as men.

Imma tell you three words that you never want to hear come out your man's mouth. It your man ever hit you with these words, shut up, don't say shit, he's about to make you look stupid.

If you're going off, you're snappin', "Shut the fuck up. you a piece of shit. I hate you!"

If he hit you with this right here, "Are you done?"

He get cocky. "Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay. Imma about to shit on this bitch right now. Are you done? You done, right? You done right? Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay

"I'm laughin', I'm laughin', 'cause you don't even know what happned. See, last night, you was the one at the club who decided to drink a whole bottle of Batrone by yourself. You the one who passed out in the club. I'm the one that picked you up, carried you out the club and put you in the car. We get in the car, we drivin' home, I realived that I lost my wallet. I said 'damn babe. We need gas, I don't have my wallet. Do you have any money on you?'

"You said, in avery drunk voice, 'I got three dollars.' I said, 'Waht the fuck are we supposed to do with three dollars?' You said 'We gonna put some regualr gas up in this motherfucker.' I said 'fine.'

"We put the regular gas in the car, I drive home fast, 'cause I didn't want to run out of the regular gas. When we got home, you felt sick, because of the way I was driving. You fucking went up stairs, you start throwing up. I got naked. I got into bed. But I kept my socks on. First of all, you know I sleep with my socks on because I got ugly feet. I'm insecure about my feet.

"My fear, is that I don't sleep with socks on, we gonna get robbed. And woever has the gun is gonna look at my feet. Adn they gonna be like, 'oh shit, ew! Bam!' Shoot me in the fucking foot. I'm gonna have anohter ugly ass goddamn foot!

"So, you start calling me, you was like 'Kev, come help me, I'm throwing up.' I coe runnin' in the bathroom, you got throwup all over the floor. I step in in. Ew. Took my sock off, put your sock on. That's why my sock got a ball at the back of it. Picked you up, put you on my shoulder. Reason I got glitter all over my face is because you used that cheap ass glitter lotion on your ass. So when I had you like this, your ass was rubbin' against the side of my goddamn face. We in the room, I throw you in the bed. I didn't get in the bed, 'cause you smelled like throwup. I ain't gettin' in the bed when you smell like throwup. You know why I ain't gettin' in the bed when you smell like throwup? 'Cause is gonna make me fuckin' throwup!

"So, I went down stairs, I slept on the couch. With that being said, don't say shitoes to me. You wrong, I'm out!"

This face that women make is priceless.

".............It's not even like that. Listen, come here. It's not even......... Let me suck your dick. I want to suck your dick. Let me suck you dick while the football game is on, for tthe whole game." I'm gonna suck you dick for the whole game."

Men are so stupid, we'd be in the middle of stormin' out.

"For the whole game? You gonna do it for the whole game? For half time and everything, you gonna suck it for the whole game? Deal! You got yourself a godndamn deal."