Kevin Hart Life Story

I Can't Tell Big Lies

There's curtain lies that I can't tell. For example, I can't tell big lies. The reason I can't tell big lies is because I'm one of those people that starts to believe the lie. Once I get that ball rolling, I can't stop.

You know who I respect? I respect people who work at a 95 job that can show up late for work without an excuse. They show up, take full responsibility

"Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. I over slept, I apologize, it's irresponsible on my behalf. If I do it again, fire me."

I respect people who can do that. 'Cause I can't do that, 'cause I'm a fucking liar. If I'm late, something happens. I don't give a shit, something jurassic happened.

"Yo, dude, sorry I'm late. I was on the highway, and a fucking baby was running on the highway. Yeah, I know right, shit's crazy. So I get out the car and start chasing the baby. In my mind, I'm like 'why you running baby?' That's what I'm thinking, right? And I'm like what do you do? 'Cause you can't just grab the baby and throw the baby in the car. That's kidnapping. I'll fucking go to jail. I got a little butt, I'd get raped, I know they'll fucking rape me in jail. I ain't trying to get raped. So I had to make a decision. I was like shit, what do I do? So I've decided to adopt the baby. What I did was I downloaded this app called 'adopt a baby app,' put the bar code on the baby's head. That way the baby knew it was my baby. I get in the car, I'm about to pull off, I turn around, a deer was running towards the car. So I'm like oh shit. This deer was about to eat the baby. But then I look closer and realize that the front part of the deer was a deer, the back part was a zebra. It was half deer and half zebra, so I'm like oh shit, it's a deerbra. Like that's what I'm thinking. It's a fucking deerbra. So I call the zoo, I'm like YO! It's a fucking deerbra out here on the highway. He was like, what's that? I was like half deer, half zebra. He asked, did you just make that up? I was like, I think so. He said, well bring it down. So I bring it down, he sees it, he's like oh shit, it's half deer, half zebra. See that's what I was trying to tell you on the phone. It's a deerbra. He was like, okay, what do you want? You want money for it? I said, no. I don't have that type of time. I have to get back to the car, 'cause my new son is in the car by himself. So, I get back to the car, turns out the baby that I thought was a baby wasn't actually a baby. It was a grown ass man with Benjamin Button disease. Let me tell you how I figured this out. I figured this out because when I got back to the car, the baby woke up. I was like hey, I'm your new dad, I just adopted you. He was like, you ain't my dad bitch. I'm 65. I was like goddamn! He was like, I got a disease. I was like, you got that Benjamin Button. He was like, where's my deerbra? I was like, I knew that was a fucking deerbra. I said, I just took it to the zoo. He was like, well how am I supposed to get home? I was like, you ride that motherfucker man?

"Anyway, long story short, that's why I was five minutes late for work. 'Cause it took a long ass time to get the fucking deerbra in the car."